Hormones

I don't have a lot of complaints about my pregnancy. I'm so happy to be having Jordan and 99% of the time I feel terrific. I've been resting a lot and going easy on myself and I think that's helping. I've even been told by several people that I am absolutely glowing.

That said... there is that 1%. HORMONES! Oh my poor Ian.... he has the patience of a saint. If I'm not being cranky then I'm crying.... if I'm not crying I'm cranky... I am sure that if you were to ask him, it might be more than 1%! I know that you can't do a lot about hormones but still, I believe that ultimately I should be able to control my own behaviour and that being pregnant isn't an excuse to get cross with him about the recycling! Or to cry because I can't get my cheese packet open.

Yesterday I got my first cold of the season. Of course I was just telling Ian two days before that I was so lucky to not have gotten sick yet. When will I learn to keep my big trap shut? I think I slept in 20-30 minute spurts all night and finally moved downstairs to my recliner. Just as I'd be about to fall asleep Jordan started kicking me. :-) I love knowing she is ok in there but come on babe.... let momma sleep!

2007 In Review

What a year! Packed full with emotion, trial, testing and faith.

This year was one of our darkest years and Ian and I struggled to deal with a painful family situation. It stretched on for most of the year but was resolved in part in October. Now healing can begin as we all move forward with a "new normal". I have felt my loving, Heavenly Father close to me at many times in my life but never as closely as this year. I could not have gotten through this year without His love and grace and mercy. He gave me just enough strength for each day and every day after that. He taught me to stay close, to trust and to be patient. He taught me just how much He loves me. There were moments when I would be on my knees, crying out to Him to help me and He did. He was at work in our situation all year, behind the scenes. His love for me overwhelms me and brings me to tears. He who sees the depths of my heart and loves me still.

While we dealt with this situation the Lord sent us many, many blessings. We had a couple of Niagara getaways at the start of the year, one at an indoor water park. What fun! We laughed so much together and just enjoyed each other's company. I loved watching my children overcome their fears - Julie of the wave pool and Sam with his waterslides.

May brought us back to Disney World! Two visits in less that two years - what a blessing. We had breakfast with Mickey and Minnie and lunch in Cinderella's Castle. Lots of rides and fireworks and waterpark fun. Precious time together with our children.

I took part in a wonderful bible study with my dear Christian sisters. We studied the book "Get Out Of That Pit!" By Beth Moore. It was all about the pits we get thrown into or jump into, and how to get out with Christ's help. A life changing book. I will likely read it again. Its been awhile since I've been in a study and it felt good to join one again. We are planning our next study to begin in mid-January but I'm not sure I will take part this time around. Jordan will be here in a few months and I am getting more tired as the weeks go on. We'll see. If God wants me there, He will strengthen me to be there.

This year brought challenges with friendships as well. I am always learning and striving to be a good friend, to be someone *I* would want to be friends with. Sometimes it's easy and sometimes that means standing up for yourself even when your friend thinks you are wrong. Even if it causes division in a relationship one must hold true to what they believe in and feel is right. But as one door closes another always opens and I have been nurturing a new friendship with a new sister in Christ. How wonderful it is to grow with this friend as we support one another through life's blessings and hardships.

What would a new year be without New Year's resolutions?? Here are mine:

1) After Jordan is born, I will begin my weight loss efforts. I'm at a point in my life where I don't care to be a size 6, I just want to live and be healthy and see my children have children. I am ready to tackle the reasons why I eat, what I am hiding from, what drives me to do what I do. I'm will work on this with God.

2) I want to stay on top of my housework so that people can drop by anytime and I won't be freaking out. I hate housework but I've kept the house up for the last week and it's easy if I do a bit each day. The kids are helping out too. There are still a couple of trouble spots but I'm working through those.

3) I want to socialize with friends more. Have them over, go over to their place, whatever. I worry so much about whether or not my home is "acceptable" to others that I don't bother to have them in. It's almost become an aversion or phobia.

4) I want to continue to work on my marriage and to put Ian and his needs before my own. I want to work harder at becoming a more godly wife.

5) I want to go on a date with my husband once a month.

This morning at church we had a time of sharing where people could share the wonderful things God has done in their lives this year. What an encouraging time! He is always present, He always cares, He is always at work for the good of those who love Him.

I am not sure what 2008 holds. Jordan's safe and healthy arrival is my constant prayer. Whatever comes, I can do all through Christ who strengthens me.

Baby News

It's funny how a year ago I was so excited about the possibility of having another child, and here I am already 6 months pregnant. I'll be 37 when this child arrives.... and likely in a retirement home when highschool graduation rolls around!

I'll start this story at the beginning. Always the best place to start.

I had been hoping since the spring to become pregnant but as each month passed I was trying not to be too blue. It had only been a couple of months after all, but with my age I figured it would take a little longer than my younger days. It was about a week after my period was due when I realized it hadn't arrived. I picked up a test on my way home from going to the movies with my friend and decided to take it first thing the next morning. I wasn't too enthused because I'd tested two months in a row and was disappointed. I ended up waking up at 4 am so decided to test right then. The test turned positive immediately and I just stood there staring at it in shock. I wished I'd bought TWO so I could have been sure!

I went back to bed and Ian rolled over and asked if I was ok. I said yes and he asked if I was sure. I said "I'm pregnant" and turned on the light to show him the test. He wasn't surprised at all. Me, I laid there until it was time to get up feeling all warm and happy.

I called my mom at 8:00. I knew I woke her up but I couldn't wait any longer. Ian's parents came for dinner that weekend and we told them then. A few days later we told the children.

Sam was not enthused at all. He knew I wanted another baby and he was very vocal about not wanting another sibling. If he found me holding a baby at church he would hurry over to tell me to give "it" back. Julie was thrilled from the start.

I had to find a doctor! My regular doctor retired in the spring. A friend of mine recommended her doctor and he agreed to take me on. HE. I've never had a male doctor before. Talk about freaky. He is very nice though and very assuring. He sent me for my first ultrasound at 9 weeks and everything looked good. The heart was beating nice and strong. I didn't have a lot of morning sickness, but I think that because I was off work I was able to rest as much as I needed to and that helped a lot.

I had my second ultrasound at about 21 weeks and we were too early for them to record gender. But Baby looked so beautifully formed and healthy. When I went for my next prenatal appointment at 24 weeks and I was told I needed to go back as some things couldn't been seen. I went in the very next day and got to see the baby again. The first two techicians couldn't see the outflow tracks so the second one suggested I walk around to see if we could get the baby to move positions. I walked and jumped and a half hour later went in again and the baby had moved from the regular transverse position (head to the right, bum to the left) and was almost head down. She got to see everything and let me know we are having a little girl.

Wow. Another little girl. I am SO excited. I would have been just as excited if it was another boy too, I have to admit. Her name will be Jordan Theresa Faith. She is a fairly active baby. Not too much though. She lets me know she's around and kicks a lot when she hears Ian speaking. Julie was the same way. We saw her mouth moving constantly in the ultrasound so we figure she'll be another chatterbox like her sister!

Julie was thrilled to find out she'd be getting another sister. Sam was pretty disappointed at first but has come around. He plans to use her to tease Julie by saying that Jordan is prettier than her sister. Honestly! Now they both kiss my belly constantly and Sam fusses over me, making sure to hold my hand while we're walking, to ask if I'm ok if I cough or sneeze and even helps me off the couch.

It's amazing when I think that a year ago I was aching for another child. And I wonder how different life will be a year from today.

I go through my moments of "what have I done??" that's for sure. To think that with two totally self sufficient children I am starting all over again. Diapers, bottles, sleepless nights, ect. But then I get this huge rush of excitement that I get to do this again. I have two amazing children already and to be able to do this again is such a blessing. God cared about the deepest desire of my heart and He blessed me. Again. Me. Who am I that He should bless me so much?

I'm Back!

Long time, no posts! Many, many changes here. Life is good.

Where do I start?

I left my old company a year ago to take a new job developing and running a new A/R & Collections department. Well, it wasn't long after I arrived that I realized that the job I interviewed for was not exactly as it was represented to me. I met with a lot of resistance when it came to my collection methods, I wasn't given the tools I needed to successfully do my job and my office was next to a young girl who mistakenly understood my role to be her personal assistant. She was verbally abusive and witheld resources and information from me purposefully. I tried several times with several levels of management to resolve the situation but was unsuccessful. I left the company in the middle of July to stay home with my children for the remainder of the summer. I didn't want to put them in their old daycare arrangement, nor did I want them with a stranger. I wanted to be with them myself. We took several trips to the beach with my mom and aunt. Precious time. I knew I would need to find a job for the beginning of September. I prayed about it and trusted God that He would allow me the 7 weeks and provide something at the right time. He certainly did! He gave me 7 weeks and 1 day!

While I was off with the children I discovered I was pregnant. Yay! Talk about thrilling! I knew that any job I took would only be temporary so I didn't want to mislead a new employer about my situation. As it turned out, the job I took had me reporting to a woman who reminded me very much of someone I used to work for a year ago and I had promised myself back then I would never be treated like that again. So, in a fit of panic, hormones, whatever you want to call it, I quit. Not my smartest decision, nor my finest hour. We were going to be in a lot of trouble. I am not usually impulsive like that.

I've taken a couple of temp jobs with freight companies and met some interesting people. I was relieved to leave the first temp job because the work was so basic and boring - data entry. The second job was pretty much the same, but the people kept it interesting and it was so much closer to home. I felt sad when I left there.

I've been off for a month now and I love it. I can putter around the house, run errands, visit my mother, take my children to school, nap... It's nice. Of course the not-so-nice part is not bringing in an income. Things are getting tight. I'll try to find another short term placement for January once the kids go back to school but I'm finding it hard. I can't imagine anyone wants the responsibility of a pregnant person in their facility. I guess there is a liability thing or something. The earliest I can go on maternity leave is January 30th but then it takes time off the end of my leave. We'll see how things unfold.

Our baby is due March 26th, '08, just one day before Julie's 7th birthday. Actually, the true due date is either the 26th OR 27th, so we went with the 26th. Baby is measuring right on target and things are going well.

2007 brought many, many challenges to our family. Lots of pain and sadness, but with that strength and courage was born. We emerged together and strong. How I wish I could go into it here to relieve my heart of all these feelings and thoughts, but I can't. I am looking forward to a fresh new year.

It's good to be back.

Yippee!

I had a great doctor's appointment today. My blood pressure was excellent and I got all my prescriptions filled.

But better than that... we talked about a future pregnancy. She said that if I lost 50 lbs then that would be enough to ensure a healthy pregnancy. She said my age wouldn't be a factor if I waited another year, in fact my age and the fact that I've already had two children will make for an easier pregnancy. There would still be a risk for a baby with down's syndrome and other defects because of my age but otherwise a successful pregnancy resulting in a healthy baby.

I feel like this huge weight has been taken off me. I still have time!

Maybe in another year I won't want to have another child, but at least the possibility is still there.

One Week To Go

Last week was very emotional as word spread about my resignation. I had no idea that so many people would miss me if I left. It's so weird - on one hand I am very sad to leave and worry I might be making a mistake, but on the other hand I am so excited to start something new and meet new people. I'm exhausted with emotion.

This week will be busy as I try to make as many notes about my accounts as possible AND make all my collection calls AND resolve any outstanding issues. I don't want anyone to have to wonder what is going on or think that I've left a major mess behind.

We had a lovely department lunch on Thursday at an italian restaraunt. One of the other collectors toasted me and my new job and I had a few tears. I think we all thought we'd all work together indefinitely. One of the women I sat with admitted she is actively seeking another job as well. There are a few of us who just can't work for our coworker who was recently promoted in the wake of our previous manager's dismissal. As a person he is really funny and nice and doesn't really speak ill of people. But he is not someone I could work for. It isn't a pride thing anymore although at first it was. I was hurt and angry and embarassed to have been passed over for the promotion. But once I got past the emotion I knew he wasn't someone I could work for. I wish him the best of luck - he is going to be leading a team where most of them don't want him. I tried to encourage the three women I sat with at the lunch to help him, to answer his questions, to try to give him a chance and be supportive of him. He might just work out and they will laugh one day about how uncomfortable things were at first. He's going to have a hard time, that's for sure.

This week we have something on the go almost every night! My aunt arrives on Tuesday for Christmas, Samuel has his Christmas concert on Wednesday and I am going out for dinner with my girlfriends on Thursday.

I'm really excited about Christmas Eve. After being with my church for almost 5 years this is my first Christmas Eve service there. Usually we go to mass with my family. The service will be geared for the children and Ian will be telling the Christmas story while the children sit all around him.

Overall I feel filled with peace and happiness. I know that God is taking care of me and that He has many blessings for me. That amazes me because everywhere I look I see His abundant blessings already.

Emotionally Spent

It's only Wednesday and I am exhausted.

Monday I submitted my resignation to the manager. To say he was surprised would be a major understatement. I told the team afterwards and they were just as shocked.

Tuesday I had my exit interview. The manager said he was sad to see me go and that it would be difficult to find someone of my calibre to replace me. That was nice to hear. We talked about how I felt about being passed over for the promotion given to my coworker and what that meant for me career-wise. He was very supportive and even asked if he could say something at our department lunch tomorrow and I requested that he didn't. I am not good at goodbyes.

Lots of people have been calling, emailing or coming by my desk to express their sadness at my departure and excitement at my opportunity. That's been really nice. I am much more emotional than I thought I would be. I hope my skin is thicker by the time my last day rolls around.

Bleeeeccchhhh!

That's what I imagine the sound of being spit out of a whale's belly sounds like.

I got a job!!

I'll start at the beginning....

On Saturday Nov 25th I submitted my resume for a Collections Specialist position. The next day we were sitting down to dinner with my mother to celebrate her birthday when the phone rang. I don't like to answer the phone during dinner so I let it go. It was a woman about the job I applied to the day before!! On a Sunday! I left her a message after dinner saying I would call her the next day.

Well - I forgot to bring her number with me to work the next day AND I had deleted the message by mistake! So I left a message for her when I got him and she called back during dinner and we talked and she asked to meet me the next day. So on the 28th I met with her and it was one of the oddest interviews I've ever been at. She didn't ask me about any of my successes or failures, strengths or weaknesses. Just about my job, how I did it, how many accounts I had, what my collection style was and she wrote everything down word for word. Then all of a sudden, 20 minutes into the interview she packed up all her things and said she liked that I'd been at my company for 10 years, liked my resume and liked me, so would I come back on Dec 2 (Friday) and meet with the Accounting Manager and the Operations Manager. Sure!

While I was waiting in reception for my second interview to start I was chatting with a couple of the men there and we were joking. It was pleasant. Well, once the interview started with the two managers, at the last second one of them men I was chatting with joined the interview as well and it turns out he was one of the owners!

The first half of the interview was really slow. Again, no questions about my strengths or weaknesses, just one question about my successes. The second half of the interview was like an interrogation once the owner started! LOL. There was a lot of smiling and nodding at my answers and I felt ok about the meeting once it was over.

On Dec 5th they offered me the position. I couldn't believe it. I hadn't wanted to get my hopes up. There were two areas I needed clarification on and they met me on those, so on Dec 8th I accepted their offer. They would like me to come in between Christmas and New Year's for orientation so I am ready to go on Jan 2.

I am still in shock but I'm excited. A fresh start! I can leave the bad experiences of this company behind me and start over!! Tomorrow I will submit my resignation and I truly can hardly wait! Part of me thinks that they will be pleased to see me go. It doesn't matter - it's the right step to take at the right time. God has really taken care of me and this situation.

God is so incredibly faithful and good to me. This situation has His hands all over it and I am so grateful for how He has brought it about. I am so blessed.

Thank you, Father.

Love

It's been awhile since I've posted here. But just because I haven't posted doesn't mean things aren't happening!

I've continued to work on my relationship with my Heavenly Father, giving all my hurts, bitterness, resentments, anger, and disappointments to Him. He has taken every single one of them and in return I am more at peace. Everytime I feel fearful or resentful, I visualize putting that feeling into a bag, then putting the bag on a conveyor belt that takes it to God. It's gone. I know that nothing I put on that conveyor is too big for God to handle. He's in charge and that is such a great comfort to me.

I've strugged over the events of this year and I think I am finally hearing what He is trying to tell me, the things He is trying to teach me. That the definition of who I am doesn't come from another person or a job - it comes from Him alone. I am a child of God! I am His chosen one! He knows everything I have ever done and will ever do and He loves me! All my imperfections and weaknesses and sins - He loves all of me! He is endlessly patient and forgiving of me. The love He has for me is overwhelming and I am so grateful for it.

So, I've tried to relax in life. Enjoy what comes today. It isn't always easy. Sometimes it's just plain hard to wait. But I know that He knows all the deepest desires of my heart and I know that He has a plan for my life. As much as I hope to have the things I want, I know that what He has planned for me is greater than anything I could dream up myself.

There has been some movement on my job search. I sent out a resume last Saturday and was called on Sunday evening and met with a woman on Tuesday afternoon. She was recruiting for the position but interviewed me at her client's site. She said she was impressed with how long I've been at my current company, liked my resume and liked me, and requested that I come back on Friday. I met with the owner, the accounting manager and the operations manager. I think it went well, the job sounds like a big, big challenge and I hope they liked what I could offer them. It's all in God's hands now. If that's where He wants me and can best use me, then He will bring it about for me there. If not, then I trust that there will be something better coming down the line. He knows me the best so He has my complete trust.

My sister is seeking these days. Oh how I want her to come to the Lord. She is so lost. God wants her to be free! I've tried to tell her of His love for her so many times but something just covers her ears and she can't hear me. Last night we were sitting in my church, waiting for the drama presentation to begin, talking together, and I told her that I was trusting in God about my current work situation and the job I am waiting to hear about. She just looked at me and said "You really put a lot of trust in Him, don't you?" and I just smiled and told her that He was my foundation, everything I stood for, He has done wonderful things in my life and blessed me abundantly. That He never leaves me. The drama really moved her and she cried. When it was over she looked down at the bibles on the backs of the chairs in front of us. "Is that the same bible that Catholics read?" Yes, I said and gave her one to take home with her. I don't know what line spoke to her, or what touched her, but she clutched that bible as she left. Will she read it? I don't know. It isn't up to me to save her. All I can to is point her in the right direction and live my life in a way that she can see His love. When she was leaving I hugged her and told her that Jesus was the same no matter what church she goes to, that He loves her and wants her to know Him.

Do you know Him? Do you want to know Him? He loves you, and it doesn't matter where you are in your life, or what you have done - He sees the true you and He loves you. He wants you to know Him and to trust Him. People will come and go in your life, but He will never leave you. He loves you so much, that He sent His only son to die for you. For YOU. So that through Him your sins could be forgiven and you could live life more abundantly. It doesn't matter where you are - reach out to Him, call out for Him and He will meet you where you are. I promise.

Family

I love my family. What a blessing they are to me. I love how God has formed our foursome.

Today Julie and I watched Sam's swimming lesson. He's getting better every week! We went for doughnuts afterwards and went to pick up dad at the church. We also rocked out in the car singing to children's bible songs.

I had a blissful afternoon - a manicure followed by a solitary trip to the grocery store! Oh how nice it was to slowly browse every aisle, check out every item and price at my leisure, to plan meals for the week and select accordingly.... and my precious Julie helped me put everything away.

Ian and I took the children to see Flushed Away. It was alright but definitely not my favourite. After a very casual dinner we all gathered around the kitchen table and played Monopoly. Sam won! It was his first time playing and he just bought everything up. Julie was so excited every time someone had to pay her for landing on her property. We had to stop before finishing because it was way past their bedtime.

It takes my breath away how much I love Ian and the children. Lots of hugs and kisses today. Definitely an A + day.

A Fresh Start

"His anger is but for a moment. His favor is for life; weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning."

Psalm 30:5

These days I often find myself comparing myself to Jonah. God told Jonah to go to Nineveh and warn the people there that if they were to repent of their sin, He would forgive them. Jonah didn't want to see God forgiving those people! He felt they were beyond forgiveness. Instead of doing as God said, he got on a boat going in the completely opposite direction of Nineveh.

While on the boat a huge storm began. Jonah knew the storm was his fault: he disobeyed the Lord! He told the sailors to throw him overboard, which they wasted no time doing, and immedately the sea was calm again. God then sent a whale to swallow up Jonah. Not knowing what was happening and feeling very frightened, Jonah prayed and confessed his disobedience to God. The whale then vomited him up and on to dry land. God appeared to him and said "Arise, go to Nineveh." (Jon 3:2)

Wouldn't things have been easier if Jonah had just listened to God in the first place??

This is where I am these days; riding along in the belly of a whale. I have disobeyed my Heavenly Father by trying to take control of my life - the life I gave Him - and trying to do things my way. What a complete and total mess I made! How miserable I had become! I was broken. This week I prayed and confessed my sin of disobedience to Him, giving Him back the control. I know he will take my sins, my resentment, disappointment and anger and in return will shower me with His perfect love and forgiveness.

I don't know what He has in store for me. But I know He has a plan and a purpose for my life. I know that I matter to Him and that He loves me. I know that in His perfect timing the whale will vomit me up onto dry land, and I will be where I am meant to be, where God has planned for me to be. Where He can best use me.

It's lousy being in a whale's belly. Maybe you have been there before. Maybe you are there now. Remember that His favour is for life, our weeping will not last forever, our joy will be restored.

I can't wait to see where He's leading me! Lead on Lord!!