Today's project was to pack up all of Jordan's outgrown clothing for donation. I ended up with two big boxes and two extra large garbage bags full. Ian loaded everything into our van and we dropped them off at a nearby church for donation.
This particular church has a program they've set up where mothers in need can come in and choose items for their babies, free of charge. When they are done with the items, they return them for the next size. It's a brilliant idea.
I had been putting it off for so long because I knew it would hurt. I was right.
I cried. A lot.
Jordan is it. She's the last one. There will be no more babies.
Oh how that hurts my heart to type it out.
I feel like I can't breathe.
My head knows that I'm too old to start again, and that have been blessed with three wonderful children that we are able to provide for. A fourth would be too much.
But my heart... oh my heart. It feels something else entirely. I'm not ready to leave this part of my life behind.
I don't want to.
I will never feel a life growing inside me again, and I miss that feeling so much more than I could ever express.
I envy women who know without a doubt that they are done having children. I don't think I will ever feel "done". I don't know that I want to feel that way.
Giving away all of her baby clothes felt so final. Like a door has now closed.
My heart hurts.
I know I'm whining and complaining. Forgive me. I try so hard to keep this blog positive, but tonight I just didn't feel like doing that. I just wanted to spill my hurt somewhere.
Ah well. Tomorrow is a new day.
Thank you Lord for brand new days...
Oh, Miss Kate! I do actually know how you feel. I am fairly certain we won't have any more children, and I too get sad when I think about not being pregnant again. Not nursing again. Not having a little newborn again. But you are richly blessed. You do have three happy, healthy and beautiful children...and while they may not literally be babies...they will always be your babies.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you.... I just now finished sorting through a box of baby clothes that a friend dropped off. I had given them to her for her little boy and he's long since outgrown them.....
ReplyDeleteI sorted with tears... such memories attached to those clothes. I washed them up to take to families that our agency serves, but I kept grabbing a few here and there to stash away for a bit longer. Nathan, our miracle boy, is our last child too... and my heart is so very sad even though I know that we couldn't possibly have a fifth child.... our lives are full and blessed with the four that we have. Nonetheless, it still hurts.
Blessings to you, Kari
It's ok Kate. You are allowed to feel this way and you're not whining. Sending you big huge hugs this morning.
ReplyDeleteOh hun, it's okay to feel that way. You're a loving mama and it's only natural. Blog about whatever you want, it's your blog. We will still be here supporting you because life isn't always rainbows and butterflies. It's a hard thing to let go of those precious little baby clothes. But just remember, you are truly blessed with three beautiful children who still need you every bit as much, if not more, than they did when they were newborns.
ReplyDeleteDid that help??? :-)
AWW I am so sorry hun! There are no words to make you feel better...but know that I love you dearly and am here for you! Hoping for a big ray of sunshine for you today.. squeeze those kiddos extra tight today :) ((((YOU!))))
ReplyDeleteI'm on the fence about whether or not we'll have more. When I think of the possibility of being finished, it saddens me. Bless your heart! I hope your spirits are lifted today!
ReplyDeleteI felt *exactly* as you did when we packed up Nicholas' baby things. We were done and had moved on to being parents of "kids", not "babies". I pined and pined for another after Nicholas, knowing that I wasn't done, but Joe was D.O.N.E. I tried getting my baby fix by becoming a doula, but that didn't work. I was really depressed.
ReplyDeleteThen, God gave us Julian. He was a surprise...unplanned...but my goodness, my heart was full when he was born! I know, without a doubt, that I am done and packing up his things is not as difficult. But, my point is, I know exactly how you are feeling now and it hurts bad.
I'm sorry you are hurting. Just think, before you know it, you'll be a grandma! ;o)
Oh my dear I am so sorry to hear of your pain! I cried when I read this and was so easily able to imagine how much you must be hurting. I desperately long for another baby but hubby isn't there yet. I am so afraid that this is it for me and I think I'm a little bit in mourning for my even potential loss of that huge part of me... At times, the overpowering magnitude of that possibility is so staggering that I can barely breathe... I know how you're feeling and my heart goes out to you... But Arizona Mamma is right: you have been blessed - very much so. You are a wonderful mother and the three amazing children you do have are fortunate to have you. Hold strong, my friend; I pray for peace and comfort for you now and always.
ReplyDeleteI don't think your post is whiney at all. Many of us can completely understand that feeling. In fact, reading it brought me right back to how emotional I was when hubby stood firm that he didn't want any more children. Its the stomach wrapped in knots. The messy, slobbery weeps. Those tears that won't be held back. Yeah, I totally get it. You are not alone and would never know the support you have available had you not posted this.
ReplyDelete((hugs)) My husband says we are done, but I still have such a longing for more children. I know how you feel. I get teary-eyed at the thought of never experiencing all those firsts again, or feeling that little one kick inside of me. Aww, geez...you got me crying right now. We are not 100% sure, but it is not looking good for me. My heart aches, I totally feel for you. Love ya girl, and my thoughts and prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteI have that thought daily. I had to have a hysterectomy and it kills me to know I will never again feel a baby grow in my tummy. There are days I think. THIS IS ALL A DREAM....
ReplyDeleteI just know that the Lord is with me and one day I will hold a baby in my arms again.
Oh how this would make me incredibly sad as well! I'm sorry you went through with this, but think of all the good you did - silver lining, right?
ReplyDeleteI don't think you sound whiney. I will say that I believe that if you don't feel done there's a reason for that...because GOD has told you you're not done. Why do we so often put GOD into a box and focus so much on the "finances" we only see in front of us and not the possibilities of how GOD will allow us to provide? I know we all do it, I sure do...it's something I'm constantly working on (to not place GOD in a box) and simply trust him. I will be praying for you that if GOD wants her to be your last, he'll close that door and it'll be out of your control and that he'll most of all give you peace. If not that he'll make it undeniable to you and your husband.
ReplyDeleteOh sweety! I am so sorry. I know who hard it is to face this... and you go right on ahead and let it out! That is what this blog is for! Its YOUR place to share with friends!
ReplyDeleteLove to you-
Amanda
Oh Kate, I'm so sorry!! Honestly I talk about it a lot but I don't know if we will have another baby and every time Braden stops doing something I cry my eyes out. This week he officially stopped nursing and I was a wreak...it's hard on mommies! But you know what, my mom says having grandbabies is better than having your own kids so that's good to hear, right? :) {{HUGS}}
ReplyDeleteOh Kate. I am so sorry. That is such a hard transition and acceptance to make.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you.
Oh, Kate... I wish I had brilliant words, but I don't. Even when I knew, KNEW I was done, that sorting out of the clothes, the finding new homes for the baby beds, those things... they hurt. It took me three times as long as it should have.
ReplyDeleteSending you my hugs and smiles, and maybe an M&M or two. :) ((You!))
You honestly took the words right out of my mouth. I am struggling with the same thing, and RIGHT now, too. I'm needing to pack up clothes for our annual garage sale and I haven't had the heart to pack up the baby stuff. I've opened the tubs several times, but just sigh and put the covers back on. And I too, envy those who just KNOW they are DONE! "They" say you'll feel like that....but then there's us, or ME, whose hubby would just rather be done. And I SO want to honor him and I can understand his thinking, but like you said - in my heart, my "quiver" isn't full. My prayers right now are that God changes either one of our hearts desires because that's the only way we're gonna agree!
ReplyDeleteThanks for making me not feel so alone in this! It's not often when you hear people wanting more than three kids! :-)
Oh, Kate... I wish I had brilliant words, but I don't. Even when I knew, KNEW I was done, that sorting out of the clothes, the finding new homes for the baby beds, those things... they hurt. It took me three times as long as it should have.
ReplyDeleteSending you my hugs and smiles, and maybe an M&M or two. :) ((You!))
You honestly took the words right out of my mouth. I am struggling with the same thing, and RIGHT now, too. I'm needing to pack up clothes for our annual garage sale and I haven't had the heart to pack up the baby stuff. I've opened the tubs several times, but just sigh and put the covers back on. And I too, envy those who just KNOW they are DONE! "They" say you'll feel like that....but then there's us, or ME, whose hubby would just rather be done. And I SO want to honor him and I can understand his thinking, but like you said - in my heart, my "quiver" isn't full. My prayers right now are that God changes either one of our hearts desires because that's the only way we're gonna agree!
ReplyDeleteThanks for making me not feel so alone in this! It's not often when you hear people wanting more than three kids! :-)
I have that thought daily. I had to have a hysterectomy and it kills me to know I will never again feel a baby grow in my tummy. There are days I think. THIS IS ALL A DREAM....
ReplyDeleteI just know that the Lord is with me and one day I will hold a baby in my arms again.