It comes before my family.
It comes before my friends.
It consumes my thoughts when I'm not doing it.
I almost shake when I think about how long it's been since I've last done it, and when I can get back to it.
It takes me away from my responsibilities.
It makes me cranky.
My addiction?
The internet.
The extent of my addiction hit me full force on Friday night and it wasn't pretty. Ian had been in the hospital all day on Friday following a scheduled surgery. My mother and sister graciously agreed to watch Jordan during the day, and to receive the children after school until after dinner so that I could be at the hospital and sit with Ian in recovery.
I got Ian home and settled in bed, then left to fill his prescriptions and pick up the children. When we got home things got a little crazy. Jordan turned into this uncontrollable wild thing and Sam and Julie started bickering constantly. Between making sure Ian was comfortable, breaking up arguments, controlling the wild beast and dealing with everyone's bedtimes...I was tense. I rushed the children to bed, I rushed over their prayers and talk of events of the day. I just wanted to sit down, go online and relax.
It wasn't until I lost my cool and Julie started crying that things suddenly started to click as to why everyone was acting so crazy.
They were scared about their dad.
They both spent the day worried that something bad would happen to him during his operation. I had intended to prepare them for what they would see when they saw Ian, but all I succeeded in doing was scaring them.
My heart hurt.
I soothed and reassured, and lovingly tucked them in and re-did prayers. And when I was finally alone, I didn't enjoy the quiet I'd longed for all evening.
I felt ashamed of myself.
I have been blessed more than many, and certainly more than I deserve. And I didn't treat them like the blessings they are. All because *I* wanted to "relax" and "chill out" and read blogs and get caught up on Facebook and Twitter....
Shameful.
I don't want to be that way anymore. So I've decided I won't be. I was hardly online at all over the weekend and you want to hear something funny?
No one noticed!
The internet went on without me.
I know... let's all gasp together.... GASP!
It felt good to take a break and to focus on what is truly important. I'm going to keep trying to limit my time going forward because I want to treasure what God has blessed me with, rather than take it for granted. I don't want to waste my life by being wrapped up with things that don't matter.
So there you have it - my confession. I'm embarrassed to admit this to you, but I strive to be authentic and this is what I have for today.
Whew.
I feel better just getting it out there and hopefully by being open about it I will hold to it.
Wish me luck.
I'm with you, Kate! I realized that I was almost spending more time on the internet than I was with my family and decided I HAD to put a stop to it. There has to be a balance. I actually wrote about it: http://crazyoconnors.blogspot.com/2010/04/this-that-and-little-bit-of-what-i.html
ReplyDeleteI have SO been there. And I am sure I will be again... but it is appreciated to have little reminders along the way of what this life is really about!
ReplyDeleteBlessings-
Amanda
The most refreshing post I've seen! Everything you said could probably we said of all of us. We all share your guilt. You are right on target when you say it all goes on without us. Thanks for the wake up call
ReplyDeleteMy name is Tyler and I too am addicted to the internet. Its like twitter and facebook and bloggy world are my outlet during the day when its just me and two toddlers hanging out. When in reality I should be playing with them more, reading to them more, and just being grateful for the blessing of my girl! Thanks for this wake up girl!! I am going to try so very hard to now tweet, blog or facebook anymore unless its nap time or bed time.. I feel anxious just thinking about it?! Crazy
ReplyDeleteI think it's good for us all to find a balance. You'll be fine, figure out what is reasonable, yet still an ok amount of "me" time.
ReplyDeleteThanks for this honest post! I think we all struggle with this. :-)
I totally agree with everything you said here. EXCEPT...you WERE missed.
ReplyDeleteGreat post!
I did miss you, actually...but I knew you were probably busy. I could take a page...no, no...scratch that...a CHAPTER from your book on limiting internet usage.
ReplyDeleteIt's so strange...
Good for you, my friend! I respect you even more now!!!
Love and hugs...
Yep...only one exception...I DID notice, but other than that...I totally agree with you. I sometimes see the same trend in myself.
ReplyDeleteYou know what though? YOU were scared about Ian too, and were just looking for your comfort item. Try not to be so hard on yourself.
(((hug)))
I hope Ian's recovery is going well.
I had to do this, too - I allow myself allotted times - and I turn the beast OFF in between. Honestly. I do. Good luck in getting to the place where your internet revolves around your life - life should never revolve around your computer.
ReplyDeletehugs.
Great post! I've felt the exact same way before and it's nice to be pulled back to reality and realize that the Internet lives on whether we're online or not.
ReplyDeleteThe blog community is a wonderful resource and place to find encouragement and friendship, but it will never take the place of living your life in the here and now with the ones that are in 3D in your own home. Thanks for the reminder! I'm off to watch Sesame Street with my 3 year old!
Okay Miss Kate. It wasn't that I didn't miss you, it's that I wasn't on either. Not really. I think I spent maybe 10 minutes on Saturday, and a little last night to get my post ready for today. I think we all go through this at one point...and it's like a wake up call. For me it was when I was getting too caught up in how many people followed me. Who cares???? I don't. Not anymore. I have the ones I adore, and those that really like me, and I am a-okay with that.
ReplyDeleteI'm so with you though. I find I have to check myself in order to be sure that I am spending more time with the kids than I am online. I don't even pay any attention to Twitter anymore. It's the blogging. Reading/writing/commenting. It sucks me in all the time.
I realized this too very recently and have been praying about it and asking for the desire to "have to be on the internet" to go away. And you know what? I'm desiring less time on it and finding that I can still enjoy myself when I do get on while the kids are in bed and my husband is out and about locking up the church campus. 45 minutes a night, but it's enough.
ReplyDeleteTotally can relate here.
I am so a member of the same club. I'm so addicted, its ridiculous. I did notice you were gone. I've also noticed the world doesn't stop when I'm not around either!??! Who knew ;-)
ReplyDeleteI think we all have those moments - the I just need some time to myself moments. Sometimes its just so hard to balance everything! I hope Ian is doing well!
Oh, and p.s. I turned 34 on Sunday.
ReplyDeleteWell said Kate. The other day I told my husband I was quitting my blog! He asked why I would quit. I said the PRESSURE. He said, by whom. Then I came back to reality! he he
ReplyDeleteI'm not getting paid. I never plan on it. I can blog whenever I feel like it. No more, no less! I have decided to do it in the evening once the kids are in bed. Otherwise it is just too frustrating.
Great and honest post. I hope you find the balance you are looking for. I have been through this (many moons ago ~ and it was partially the reason why my first marriage failed).
ReplyDeleteI can't complain now. I'm happily remarried and don't have kids to care for at home. Bless your heart for realizing it all by yourself.
Keep your friends; you don't have to lose them. If they're good people, they'll be there for you no matter what and when :) God bless.
Great post, Kate. This is my first time to your blog, but I completely relate to this. I am already plotting random "unplugged" days for the summer to keep all of us (myself included) from spending too much time with an electrical device in our hands!!
ReplyDeleteGood for you. I did the same. I got rid of my iphone last month. I noticed how much It was consuming my day. Now I'm phone less, and it feels great. Next phone I get will be a simple phone with the ability to just make and receive calls. No more.
ReplyDeleteWe are your new followers
Visiting from "All About Toys"
http://bluepixo.blogspot.com
Great and honest post. I hope you find the balance you are looking for. I have been through this (many moons ago ~ and it was partially the reason why my first marriage failed).
ReplyDeleteI can't complain now. I'm happily remarried and don't have kids to care for at home. Bless your heart for realizing it all by yourself.
Keep your friends; you don't have to lose them. If they're good people, they'll be there for you no matter what and when :) God bless.