Monday, September 03, 2012

Thoughts


It's late on Sunday night, and I'm sitting in my favourite spot in my whole house - my recliner in my bedroom. The window is open and there is a lovely breeze coming in. I can hear the crickets outside.

I'm soaking up my family this weekend, and all the safe feelings I have whenever I'm at home with my people.

It was a hard week. Probably the hardest week I've experienced at this job so far. Lots of tears on the way to work...and lots of tears on the way home. Pretty much every day.

I work in the credit and collections department of a very large company. My workload is exceptionally heavy and there is an incredible amount of expectation and pressure to produce results.

This past week I had a customer scream at me for a half hour over the phone. I've been hung up on, sworn at, lied to repeatedly, and complained about. I had to do client site visits to pick up cheques so they would be deposited in our bank for month end. Micro managed to work harder, apply pressure to our clients, negotiate payment plans, resolve problems, hold orders, threaten, beg, plead.

It was exhausting.

And it's not me.

While I continue to remain thankful to have employment, I have to wonder why God put me there of all places. He knows I'm not hard core like that, so why would He put me there?

I don't get it.

A few months ago, when I shared that I was offered a short-term assignment at this company, someone left me a comment on my blog - anonymously of course - that really hurt me. I didn't publish it because I just didn't want that negativity on my blog, nor did I respond to it here because I didn't want them to have the satisfaction of knowing their words hurt.

But they did.

Very much, in fact. Because even though the comment was posted anonymously, I know who left it.

We call each other friend.

And to you, friend, I say this.

You judged me for taking this job, accused me of bringing darkness home to my family, and said that a good mother stays home with her children where they are needed. You even threw in a dig about my husband, asking why he didn't provide for our family instead of me.

You read my blog regularly. I see you show up in my statcounter. You know the hell we have walked through in the last year and half. You knew how battered and broken we were. You read my posts where I talked about how hard my husband was looking for work after he was laid off. Yet in spite of all of that, you chose to kick me when I was down.

Let me tell you what a good mother does, friend. She puts the needs of her family first. She willingly goes to a job that takes almost everything out of her, every day, because she loves her family. She shows her daughters that there is more to her than cooking, cleaning and changing diapers. She shows her sons that wives are equal to their husbands and are fully capable of sharing the load of providing. She is a helper and encourager to her husband. I'm sad that you don't see the benefits my husband and children reap by having him as the stay-at-home parent, and that you don't afford him the same respect you would for a mother. Fathers are equally as capable of caring for their children and homes as mothers are.

Do I bring your accused darkness home to my family? I try my hardest not to. I cry it out on my way home. I'll stop in an empty schoolyard, crying and praying that I won't bring any heaviness home. Sometimes I fail miserably, but I won't ever stop trying.

Being at home doesn't make me a good mother, and working doesn't make me a bad one. I do my very best every day - be it at home or in an office - to love and provide for my children, to let them know they are valued and precious and so loved.

I'm so sad that you felt you had to say those things - and more - to me. I would have had more respect for you had you signed your name to them.

I have something to say to you in return.

I forgive you.

I'm sorry that you felt you had to attack me. I'm sure you had your reasons. Maybe you stand by the words you wrote. It doesn't matter, because I'm choosing to forgive you. I will continue to banter with you, and encourage you and pray for you. I just wanted you to know that I know it was you and you are forgiven.

And on that note, I'm letting go of this and I'm going to bed.

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22 comments:

  1. Whew! Glad it wasn't me. I don't think I wanna get on your naughty list! :)

    Way to go! Hanging in there like that. After you saying what a blessing work was last week this was a little bit of a shocker. But I guess considering the field it is in it shouldn't. Ugh. I don't envy you your job that's for sure. You charm and good looks and fun personality, those things I envy! ;0)

    I'll be praying for a smoother week for ya this week!

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    1. It is definitely a blessing provision-wise, just this week took a bit of a toll on me emotionally.

      Thanks for your prayers!

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  2. That was a beautiful reply, and so true, every word. You are an amazing wife and mother and your priorities are right where they should be, imo

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    1. Thank you, Jess. You are always so kind.

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  3. How heart-wrenching, that someone would leave such harsh words. It makes my soul hurt that someone thinks that a working mother brings darkness home to her family.
    I know your Ian is actively seeking work, but I have to say that your "home" situation is the one my husband and I have craved. He would love to be a stay-at-home dad.
    Remember, you are not bringing home darkness. You are a light to your family, as they are a light to you. There can be shadows that pass between while you are apart, but the light grows brighter as you get closer and closer to those you love, until it nears blinding as you pull in the drive. You can feel it, filling your heart, can't you? That release as you open the front door, and a chorus of voices call out to you? The warmth that rushes through you as your littles rush to you and grab hold of a leg, beaming up at you?
    There's no darkness there.
    It's just another page in your book, Kate. And your forgiveness is a blessing that will hopefully bring some healing to the wounded soul who cried out in such desperation.

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    1. I adore you, Megan. So much more than I could ever express. You always know just what to say when my heart aches.

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  4. How heart-wrenching, that someone would leave such harsh words. It makes my soul hurt that someone thinks that a working mother brings darkness home to her family.
    I know your Ian is actively seeking work, but I have to say that your "home" situation is the one my husband and I have craved. He would love to be a stay-at-home dad.
    Remember, you are not bringing home darkness. You are a light to your family, as they are a light to you. There can be shadows that pass between while you are apart, but the light grows brighter as you get closer and closer to those you love, until it nears blinding as you pull in the drive. You can feel it, filling your heart, can't you? That release as you open the front door, and a chorus of voices call out to you? The warmth that rushes through you as your littles rush to you and grab hold of a leg, beaming up at you?
    There's no darkness there.
    It's just another page in your book, Kate. And your forgiveness is a blessing that will hopefully bring some healing to the wounded soul who cried out in such desperation.

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  5. Our family has fallen under attack by "friends" who attack our choices of debt-free living and private ecudation for our boys. I just decided that if she feels she has the right to attack our choices like that, she's not worthy of being on a high-rung of our friendship ladder. So, in my head, I put her on a lower rung, and now my expectations of her are lower. I've forgiven her for her statements (like you have), and now we proceed with a different relationship - but one I'm more comfortable going forward with.

    Hang in there, Kate. You're awesome, and God loves you.

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    1. Sounds like you have great boundaries, Sandy!

      Thanks so much for your encouragement. xo

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  6. Amen. Very well said. I read your blog, but almost never comment. But your post was so beautiful and heartfelt I had to comment. I don't know you, but I know you are a great mom. None of us are perfect, but I see that you are doing your best to live out your faith and your responsibilities. Blessings to you!

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    1. Thank you so much Kari. I appreciate your kind words. I hope you have a beautiful week.

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  7. You are certainly a bigger person than me Kate. Luckily, it's been a long time since I've had hateful comments on my blog because I know it hurts. I'm sorry things are rough at work. I hope that things look up soon. You are a GREAT mother. Don't let anyone EVER tell you otherwise. <3<3<3

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  8. Thanks girl. Love you so much. xo

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  9. Oh Katiekins... It breaks my heart to know someone hurt you like that. To kick you when you are down only speaks to the character of that person, and not you. They clearly need to be prayed for because they have many issues to deal with.

    You are an awesomely strong woman to forgive. I've always admired that about you.

    God has a path for you. I know you know that. I know that you wish it was more clear. We've had that conversation in the past, eh? :)

    Whatever comes, I know that you and Ian and your family will get through it, and be stronger for it.

    <3 you. I'm only a text/call away if you ever need me.

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    1. I love you Jen, and I miss you so much.

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  10. Oh sweet Kate I am so sorry that you have been hurt this way - but grateful to see that you have forgiven...not for them but for you. We can't always see the long term...why we have to walk through the difficult times. I just pray for you...and for me :) that God will get the glory in all things and we may be refined in the "fires" we walk through. May this week be much better and waaaay less tears!! I am praying for you!!

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    1. If people see God through my trials then every minute will have been worth it.

      Thankful for you and your loving heart.

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  11. Just so you know I'm applauding you. I think it is fantastic that you have cleared the air and have decided to forgive. I think its great that you are pushing forward and that your marriage has been strong enough for you both to weather these storms and do whats best for your families. That's what makes you both a great mom and great dad. God has your family in his hands.

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    1. Aww Laren, thank you so much for your kind words.

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  12. :(
    Why? Why do people feel the need to be so harsh? So judgmental? Those of us mothers who work do so because there is a need for our family that we must help to fill.
    I'm sorry, my friend, that you were subjected to this person's negativity. You are such a joy and a light and your family is beyond blessed to call you theirs!

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  13. Amazing letter to this individual! And, I am so sorry you even had to respond to that.

    I used to follow you a few years back but lost touch,.. I found you again this morning thru a comment on another blog :) SO glad I found you again!

    I used to post as Moms Sanity Is Making A Comeback, but that blog is no longer around.

    Anyways, so very happy to "see" you again and look forward to catching up with what has been going on in your life.

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  14. So sorry you even had to deal with something like this.

    I used to follow you a few years back but lost touch when I shut down my blog at the time- Moms Sanity Is Making A Comeback.

    I just found you this morning from a comment on another blog and am so happy I did!

    Looking forward to catching up with what has been happening the past few years.

    And, hang in there. You know what is best for your family

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