Hello. My name is Kate, and I have an addiction.It comes before my family.
It comes before my friends.
It consumes my thoughts when I'm not doing it.
I almost shake when I think about how long it's been since I've last done it, and when I can get back to it.
It takes me away from my responsibilities.
It makes me cranky.
My addiction?
The internet. The extent of my addiction hit me full force on Friday night and it wasn't pretty. Ian had been in the hospital all day on Friday following a scheduled surgery. My mother and sister graciously agreed to watch Jordan during the day, and to receive the children after school until after dinner so that I could be at the hospital and sit with Ian in recovery.
I got Ian home and settled in bed, then left to fill his prescriptions and pick up the children. When we got home things got a little crazy. Jordan turned into this uncontrollable wild thing and Sam and Julie started bickering constantly. Between making sure Ian was comfortable, breaking up arguments, controlling the wild beast and dealing with everyone's bedtimes...
I was tense. I rushed the children to bed, I rushed over their prayers and talk of events of the day. I just wanted to sit down, go online and relax.
It wasn't until I lost my cool and Julie started crying that things suddenly started to click as to why everyone was acting so crazy.
They were scared about their dad.They both spent the day worried that something bad would happen to him during his operation. I had intended to prepare them for what they would see when they saw Ian, but all I succeeded in doing was scaring them.
My heart hurt.I soothed and reassured, and lovingly tucked them in and re-did prayers. And when I was finally alone, I didn't enjoy the quiet I'd longed for all evening.
I felt ashamed of myself.
I have been blessed more than many, and certainly more than I deserve. And I didn't treat them like the blessings they are. All because *I* wanted to "relax" and "chill out" and read blogs and get caught up on Facebook and Twitter....
Shameful.
I don't want to be that way anymore. So I've decided I won't be. I was hardly online at all over the weekend and you want to hear something funny?
No one noticed!The internet went on without me.
I know... let's all gasp together....
GASP!It felt good to take a break and to focus on what is truly important. I'm going to keep trying to limit my time going forward because I want to treasure what God has blessed me with, rather than take it for granted. I don't want to waste my life by being wrapped up with things that don't matter.
So there you have it - my confession. I'm embarrassed to admit this to you, but I strive to be authentic and this is what I have for today.
Whew.
I feel better just getting it out there and hopefully by being open about it I will hold to it.
Wish me luck.