Occasionally when I run out of things to look at online I will re-read some of my older blog posts. Often I will laugh at some of the things I've written because I get a kick out of myself sometimes. Laughing is so good for the soul.
But as I read through my posts from this year there's an underlying theme in my life.
I have spent a lot of my time afraid.
I profess to be a Christian yet I live in fear. I know better. I do.
I know what Bible verses to look up to combat the fear. I pray. I ask others to pray for me. I call out to God and wait for His reply.
I can't hear anything. I don't sense or feel anything.
I don't know what God is doing, or what He has planned for us, or when change will come.
Is there a reason for this, have we done something wrong, are we failing to learn a lesson?
It hurts and I feel forgotten.
Time is running out and I am scared.
I'm afraid He isn't going to show up. And I need for Him to show up.
I'm tired of seeing people who have so much get more. I'm tired of seeing the wicked prospering more.
I'm tired of my crappy attitude and I don't know how to just let it go...
I hate feeling like this. My stomach is in knots and I feel barfy. And I want to cry. But I have no one to cry with.
I long to have such strong faith that people can see Jesus through me. But they don't.
If you're the praying type, would you pray for me? Pray for strength of faith, for answered prayers and opened doors, and that I will shake this off and be a better support for my husband.
I'm sorry that more and more of my posts are downers. I'm hoping for good news soon.