Wednesday, October 06, 2010

Someone Is Bullying My Kid!

Last week Sam got into his first fight at school.

I was shocked. He is so mild. Such a peace keeper.

He came home from school and said his day was ok then went to his room. Shortly after, I got a call from the vice principal informing me of the fight. I'm sure he thought I was an idiot because I kept saying "My son? MY son was in a fight?" I was that shocked.

He said he couldn't give me names of the other children involved, but there had been an exchange of words that led to shoving, and that led to punching.

I felt the Mama Bear rising up in me. "Someone punched my kid?"

He said Sam's punishment was to serve detention for two recesses. Yikes. He lives for recess.

When I finished speaking with him, I called Sam upstairs to get his version. He said that the other boy was cheating at the game they were playing in gym class, and Sam made a comment to another student about it. The boy got right into Sam's face, swearing and chest bumping him.

The details are hazy at this point, but apparently Sam pushed him back and when they were in the change room, the other kid was yelling profanities at Sam and pushing him. Sam was in the middle of putting his shoes on when the kid pushed him, so he stood up and hit him with his shoe.

With.his.shoe.

Oh boy.

The boy retaliated with three punches: one to Sam's cheek, the next to his temple and the last to the side of his head.

Sam said he wasn't proud of what he did, but he just couldn't take it anymore. This kid had been bothering him for a year now, swearing at him, threatening him and pushing him, and he just couldn't take it anymore.

Oh my goodness. It took me right back to my own childhood when I was bullied every single day. I lived in constant fear and I hated school. I'd either take off running for home the second the bell rang or I'd hide in the bathroom until I was sure every last student had gone home. I would take the long way home to avoid my bullies. I did whatever it took.

My kid isn't going to live like that.

Ian and I talked to Sam about it and how he could have handled himself better. Ian showed him some self-defence moves. We said if someone hits him first it's ok to defend himself, just drop whatever he may have in his hands at the time and not use it as a weapon. We didn't punish him because the school already took care of that.

Turns out that the other kid got a one-day suspension.

Then on Monday Sam was holding the door for the kids in the class and this same boy started bugging him. Sam told him he had the door and to please just go back in line. The boy got up in Sam's face asking him if he wanted him to punch him in the face again. Sam said "just try it" and the kid backed off.

Today I called the vice principal to discuss the entire issue, and to give him some background on this boy from last year. I told him that Sam said he wasn't proud of what he did, and that he's becoming more withdrawn at home, which is a huge danger sign to me.

The vice principal took a bunch of notes and said he would speak with the teacher. I said that as a parent it's my job to protect my child, and as an educator it's his job to protect him while he's at school, and we needed to work alongside each other to eliminate this problem.

The conversation went well, he thanked me for calling and asked me to report any further issues. I'm prepared to take this as far as I have to, to ensure my son's safety at school. Bullying isn't something we can take lightly.

Being that I was constantly bullied as a child, it's definitely a hot spot for me. I've certainly moved on from it and don't carry it with me every minute of the day. But there are wounds. I want to protect my children from those same wounds.

Where do you stand on bullying? How far would you go to protect your child? I'm interested in your thoughts and opinions on this topic.

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20 comments:

  1. Don't make me hop on a plane to Cananda! I would have done exactly what you did. But I probably wouldn't have been able to remain calm. J was bullied at school a couple of years ago and the girl antagonizing J said that she was "gonna bloody her face" etc. I emailed the teacher about it and in the end the vice principal & guidance teacher were involved. Their whole class got a talking to about bullying from the guidance counselor etc. It makes me so crazy to hear about bullying at this age. Really makes you wonder what's going on at home. :(

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  2. Oh boy...my blood is boiling reading your post. Funnily enough, my blog post today is about bullying...check it out...I think my opinion on it is pretty clear.

    Good for you for staying on top of it and for being diplomatic...I think I would have headed right down to the school and caused a HUGE scene...which wouldn't help matters any, but I would be fuming.

    Poor Sam. Good for him for standing up for himself. Damned bullies.

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  3. Oh gosh, Kate! My heart breaks for you and Sam! (Honestly, my mama bear in me wants to go smack this kid upside the head...which actually doesn't solve anything...oh, I digress). This actually scares me. My eldest is only in 1st grade. But I know its coming. He's so friendly, eager, peace-keeping, but I can tell that there are other kids in his class (elitists...yes, already) who are annoyed by him. The one thing he's got going for him is that he's soooo tall (at least 6 inches taller than the next kid down) Yes, he's that tall! I hope no one will want to mess with him in fear of getting pummeled....not knowing that he'd probably amount to a puddle of tears if someone smited him. Oh, how I hate the struggle for alpha-male! It's way too primal for me.

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  4. You're such an awesome mom and you handled the whole situation SO well! Since my kids are still pretty young we haven't really had to deal with this yet but I have definitely thought of it. Scares the crap out of me what goes on at schools these days! I'll be interested to see how people have handled this kind of stuff, so in the future if need be I can handle these things responsibly like you and not the way I want to in my head. :) I hope that Sam is doing well and this doesn't effect him at school OR home Good luck Mama, this is definitely one of the hard parts of parenting! {hugs}

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  5. Kate - did you read the blog I linked to on FB yesterday. I took me back.

    And NO WAY is anyone going to bully my kid. Mama bear mode here we come!

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  6. Oh Kate!! I'm in tears reading this. I am in awe of how you and Ian were able to handle this, to help Sam rise above. I too was bullied and it is truly my biggest fear for my kids, even at their tender ages. I don't want them to suffer in silence like I did. I also fear that my Mama Bear will not rise up and I don't want that fear to have any control over me.
    Hugs to you and to Sam.

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  7. Oh Kate!! I am so sorry this happened to Sam. I am with the other girls it makes me just want to smack that kid over the head and say "what are you thinking" if only kids realized how much damage bullying can do in the long run.

    You seemed to handle this situation the best you can. The hard part is going to be keep Sam talking to you. Not let him close up and keep it in. He needs to express what is going on so you can make the best decision on his behalf. Very hard to do though because kiddos dont like to talk about those things anyways! I will be in prayer for you about this.

    Hope things get better for that sweet boy of yours! Love ya girlie

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  8. wow, I would be livid! I am not sure how I would have handled it, but you seemed to do a great job! I would have gotten all Mama Bear on somebody!!

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  9. Poor Sam... my heart goes out to him - and to you. Bullying is NOT a joke - it's not something to be taken lightly. It. Is. A. Big. Deal. Seriously - it can escalate dangerously and it can ruin a kiddo's self-esteem, which to me, is their most precious asset and should be protected at great lengths. I had an issue myself where I was bullied in junior high (grades 7&8 for us) by some older black girls who were angry with me for being the girlfriend of one of their younger cousins (he was black, I am not). It was bad and I was like you - I'd avoid them at all costs, but it was very difficult... it went so far as to involve threats of violence with knives and action from older relatives in gangs. I only told my mom about it when it got to that point. We told the people at the school but they didn't believe me. It got to the point that my mom dressed as a junior high kid and carried a tape recorder in a book bag to record the threats. When we finally took the tapes to the principal, the girls were expelled. Later, redistricting in our area meant they didn't go to the same high school as me and it was over. But it was awful - truly awful. All you can do is repeatedly impress upon Sam that these kids are weak, damaged, angry, and alone. They are lashing out and that it has NOTHING to do with Sam himself. All he can do is feel sorry for the kid and walk away but make sure he knows that the best way to cope with it is to vent to you and Ian about it. To laugh about it. To pray for the bully. As I got older, I learned to reach out to people to tried to put me down. I brought them cookies and asked them if they needed someone to study with. If they were mean, I'd say, "Alright, but I'm here if you need me." I killed them with kindness, and a good number of them later came to me and said they were lonely.

    Yuck Kate - this is the last thing your family needs right now... but hopefully it'll just make you all stronger - as a unit and as individuals. It's so easy to be on the outside and give advice and sympathy, but trying to deal with it in reality is so tough. Many hugs to you all! Keep us posted!

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  10. I would have done exactly what you did. If that doesn't work I would be contacting the parents of the boy next. If that didn't work I may pull what that man in Florida did. It may not have been the smartest action to take but by God I'm not going to sit around and let someone bully my kid.

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  11. Oh my, Kate! My heart goes out to you, Sam, and your entire family. You are doing the right thing by talking to the principal and I think you handled the situation at home with Sam perfectly. My parents never gave us "double jeopardy" if we were being punished elsewhere (school, etc) and it made us more willing to be open with our parents. There is NOTHING I'd hide from them and I'm so glad, because they've always been my greatest asset when it comes to asking advice! I sure hope Sam's school continues to work with you and Ian to ensure this never happens again! hugs!

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  12. Well, Keegan is just now in Pre-K so I haven't had to deal with bullying issues. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with them, however. Bless Sam's heart. And yours. It sounds to me like you are handling it well. I would just be constantly checking in with the teacher and the vice-principle to make sure they stay on top of it. And, obviously, have open conversations with Sam regularly about it. Praying for you guys....

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  13. Yikes! Thankfully I wasn't bullied in a physical sense as a kid but I was made fun of. A. Lot. It sucked! I played the avoidance card whenever possible too.

    We haven't really run into bullies, yet. But I think I would handle it the same way as you. No nonsense, I will not stand for it. My kids had better not dish it out either. We talk a lot about when they feel they have been wronged by another child and how they can handle it. My mom taught me usually just standing up and talking back makes most bullies go away because you're not going to cower, and it worked with some. Sounds like this is already what you have done with Sam. I think you are right on track.

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  14. How scary! I would be so sad and upset if that happened to my kid.
    I'm so sorry and I hope that boy doesn't bother him anymore.
    There is too much bullying in this world- both online and in real life, it's just too sad. :(

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  15. That's too bad. I'm sure that was so hard to hear. But it sounds like you and your DH are handling it well. If I was you, I would stay on top of the administration at the school, calling every so often, checking in to see how things are going. That way, they know to keep an eye on the boys and make sure your son isn't being bullied. I truly believe the squeaky wheel gets the grease...does that make sense?

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  16. Ugh... bullying sucks. When my daughter was in JK she was pushed off the play structure by an SK boy who was known for bullying another kid (much smaller than himself). My daughter had to go to the office to get ice because her nose was bleeding. Ever since then we've told her not to play with this boy and that if he bugs her she needs to tell her teacher.

    Kate - You did the right thing and I'm really impressed with out calmly you handled this. Ian is lucky to have a mom like you. Big hugs that this boy stops being a bully. Lots of prayers coming your way.

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  17. We've always told our kids to defend themselves & their siblings if someone hit them 1st. Which is hard because the school has zero tolerance. We've reassured them though. I'm so glad Sam said something to the kid the next time he tried something. :) Way to go!

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  18. That's too bad. I'm sure that was so hard to hear. But it sounds like you and your DH are handling it well. If I was you, I would stay on top of the administration at the school, calling every so often, checking in to see how things are going. That way, they know to keep an eye on the boys and make sure your son isn't being bullied. I truly believe the squeaky wheel gets the grease...does that make sense?

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  19. Oh my, Kate! My heart goes out to you, Sam, and your entire family. You are doing the right thing by talking to the principal and I think you handled the situation at home with Sam perfectly. My parents never gave us "double jeopardy" if we were being punished elsewhere (school, etc) and it made us more willing to be open with our parents. There is NOTHING I'd hide from them and I'm so glad, because they've always been my greatest asset when it comes to asking advice! I sure hope Sam's school continues to work with you and Ian to ensure this never happens again! hugs!

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  20. Poor Sam... my heart goes out to him - and to you. Bullying is NOT a joke - it's not something to be taken lightly. It. Is. A. Big. Deal. Seriously - it can escalate dangerously and it can ruin a kiddo's self-esteem, which to me, is their most precious asset and should be protected at great lengths. I had an issue myself where I was bullied in junior high (grades 7&8 for us) by some older black girls who were angry with me for being the girlfriend of one of their younger cousins (he was black, I am not). It was bad and I was like you - I'd avoid them at all costs, but it was very difficult... it went so far as to involve threats of violence with knives and action from older relatives in gangs. I only told my mom about it when it got to that point. We told the people at the school but they didn't believe me. It got to the point that my mom dressed as a junior high kid and carried a tape recorder in a book bag to record the threats. When we finally took the tapes to the principal, the girls were expelled. Later, redistricting in our area meant they didn't go to the same high school as me and it was over. But it was awful - truly awful. All you can do is repeatedly impress upon Sam that these kids are weak, damaged, angry, and alone. They are lashing out and that it has NOTHING to do with Sam himself. All he can do is feel sorry for the kid and walk away but make sure he knows that the best way to cope with it is to vent to you and Ian about it. To laugh about it. To pray for the bully. As I got older, I learned to reach out to people to tried to put me down. I brought them cookies and asked them if they needed someone to study with. If they were mean, I'd say, "Alright, but I'm here if you need me." I killed them with kindness, and a good number of them later came to me and said they were lonely.

    Yuck Kate - this is the last thing your family needs right now... but hopefully it'll just make you all stronger - as a unit and as individuals. It's so easy to be on the outside and give advice and sympathy, but trying to deal with it in reality is so tough. Many hugs to you all! Keep us posted!

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