It's been a day.
I spent the morning at the church for the first day of our new bible study. We're going to study the book of James with Beth Moore and I could not be more excited. I love Beth and I love the way she teaches. Our group has a good feel to it too which is really nice.
Afterwards Ian and I had lunch with the littles and then spent some time talking. And when I say talking, I really mean talking Kate off the ledge. I am so stressed out right now... it's unbelievable. I am a total crankasaurusrex.
I don't like change. I really, really, don't. I quite like when things are the same. There is comfort and security there that I appreciate.
Right now? Feels like everything is changing and I don't like it one bit.
I still can't get used to our new cable. I can't find my shows, I can't find what we've taped. I can't find where the kids shows play on demand. Ian repeatedly shows me but I'm just not getting it. So I've pretty much stopped watching tv altogether. Rogers was overpriced and had the worst customer service ever but their cable was easy to use and I could find my dang shows.
Why am I having such a hard time letting go of this house? It's the right thing to do and it's the right time to do it, so why the fuss?
I lay awake at night wondering if we're taking the easy way out. If this will really solve our problems or just create new ones. If I failed my family because I didn't return to work months ago.
Ian is a very logical man. And, thankfully for me, a very patient one. He works with facts and figures because they don't lie. When he shows me on paper how everything will work out, I see it. When he explains that had I returned to work, my income would have gone to daycare because he wouldn't have been able to spend 8-10 hours a day job searching, networking, following up, etc with two small children to care for. And then, once he found a job I'd come home again with nothing to show for my efforts.
I just feel as though everyone is looking at me, wondering why Kate didn't do something to help the situation. That they are looking down at me.
But feelings lie and facts don't. I have to remind myself of that all the time.
Another fact? We have a lot of people who love us and want to help us. People I didn't think even liked me. We are regularly getting phone calls and emails asking what they can do to help us.
Isn't that sweet?
It sure is.
Except... I have a very difficult time asking for and accepting help. And when I say very difficult I really mean that it's next to impossible for me to do it. I could be on fire, see you with the hose in your hand and still not ask you to help me. Why? Because you might be busy, or not like me, or need that water for something more important.
Don't roll your eyes. If you've been reading my blog for awhile you know that I am full of issues.
Want to hear another one of my many issues?
I can't handle having people in my house. It freaks me out. I can't explain why, it just does. And this weekend, we're (hopefully) going to have people in our house helping us (gah! that help thing) paint and do some small repairs.
I am anxious already. I can see it now... me, collapsed on the floor in an anxiety induced coma. Do you think they'll just cover me with a dropsheet and paint around me??
In case you're wondering, I did have a therapist. A lovely one. But she moved away and I haven't found anyone new yet. Perhaps I need to move that a little higher on my To Do list.
Today I cleaned and disinfected one of our bathrooms and cleaned out the cupboard. Good thing I did because that thing was almost as nasty as the Walmart bathrooms.
Jordan figured out how to open the front door this afternoon. Doesn't sound like a hard task, but she has little hands and hasn't been able to pull it open before. I guess she got tired of me telling her we'd go outside later and decided to take matters in her own hands. So thankful that Julie was on the porch and caught her red handed.
In my efforts to become more active, I've started walking around the block after dinner. I'm enjoying the warmer temperatures and the sky has been so clear that we've been able to see the stars so clearly.
Tonight Sam came walking with Jordan and me. We ended up walking around the block five times! Hey, as long as my (soon to be) teen is talking, I'll keep walking. I know how precarious our relationship will get in the next few years, so I want to make sure we have a solid foundation of openness and trust now.
And here I am, talking your ear off. According to my schedule, I should be packing up my bedroom. But I'd rather talk to you. Or read my new book that came in the mail today: You're Already Amazing by Holley Gerth. I'm going to be reviewing it on my blog. Just so you know... I love it so far. I cried just reading the intro.
I suppose I should wrap this up now and head to bed. Tomorrow we have a lot to do and no time to waste.
See you Friday :-)