All In

This past Spring I had the honour of studying Beth Moore's The Inheritance along with several of my Christian sisters. Each Wednesday morning we would gather together to watch the next DVD in the series and have our lives rocked.

Beth has a way of doing that...rocking lives.

Actually, God has a way of rocking lives through Beth, but isn't she a wonderful instrument? This study wrapped up several weeks ago and I'm still processing all that she taught.

Beth started out by asking the question "Do you believe God to be a giver or a taker?"

I remember how my heart started pounding, and how my eyes started burning as I tried to hold back my tears. Around me I could hear my sisters whispering "giver...giver.."

I knew how I would answer that question.

I thought of Him as a taker.

I have lived through some pretty devastating circumstances in my life. Some of which are so horrific that I simply cannot share them with you.

I know what pain feels like. I know hurt. I know loss.

I've felt so disconnected from God for some time now. I've shared here that my faith took a huge beating last year when Ian was laid off and how we struggled financially. It was like the final thing that broke me. I've shared with you how I almost let go of my relationship with Him.

Almost.

But not entirely. I have felt God's presence in my life many times. I've heard Him speak into my heart in ways that I knew without a doubt that it was Him speaking. I know He is real and I believe the Bible to be God-breathed. I had to choose to hold on, that His promises were true, and that He had a plan for me....even when I didn't see how He possibly could.

It's been a long, long road trying to get back to where I felt our relationship was. I don't hear Him talking to me. I don't feel Him near me. It's so hard to live like this.

It struck me during this study, as we pondered the question as to whether we viewed God as a giver or taker, that my view of Him as a taker has held me back from going all in.

All in?

What would that even look like for me? To give God complete control of my life and to not take it back. Just say "Whatever Lord!" and be thankful for His will in my life.

I don't know what it would look like. But I'll tell you what it would feel like. It would scare me to death.

I am terrified of what God will take from me to show His glory.

Who He may take from me to show His glory.

I don't have any strength left in me for more hurt or loss. None.

I don't know how to get Him from my head to my heart.

I feel like my life - my family's life - is on the threshold of major change, and I don't like it. I don't like feeling anxious or uncertain, yet that is exactly how I am feeling. I know what I want, what my my heart longs for, but I don't know if they are things that are in line with His will.

Maybe they are, maybe they aren't. I wish I knew.

I just feel so unsettled. So unlike me.

I don't know where you stand when it comes to spiritual attack, or if you believe in such a thing. I sure do. And I'm under heavy attack these days. Satan is hard at work tormenting me. Whispering at me as I go about my day. Tormenting me in my dreams with all of my hurts and fears.

I am scared to death to click the publish button and expose myself like this. Scared that you will think I'm a fraud.

Maybe you won't. Maybe you'll pray for me.

I so need your prayers right now.