Up & Down

I saw my sister again this afternoon as she was walking past the area I park and wait for the children to come from school. She kept walking but every so often would look back to see if she could see the children.

Tomorrow she moves to St. Catharines. A part of me feels very sad about that.

Today Mom and I went shopping and I bought a new nightgown for the hospital. I started crying in the store because I am about to have a baby, a little person I ached for for six years.... and she will be here in just a few short weeks. God is so good.

Tomorrow we are sewing baby blankets.

I am almost done clearing out the spot for Jordan's crib. I have to have it done by my deadline tonight.

6 going on 16

Someone please tell my 6 year old that she isn't a teenager! Because today she is freaking out like one.

Ian picked the kids up after school and took them to get haircuts. Julie has been wanting to grow her bangs out so that eventually she can have it all cut one length. She and Ian decided today that she would have her bangs trimmed as well as a few inches off the bottom. She looks great and her hair looks so much healthier. She was happy with it for about an hour.

About ten minutes ago she decided her haircut is horrible, not what she wants and she can't possibly go to school tomorrow because she will be embarassed. She wants to wear a hat!

Is this normal for 6 year olds??? I can't believe how upset she is because her bangs are a fraction of an inch shorter than she thought they would end up being!! She is in tears on Ian's lap about this and nothing he is saying is helping. I'm at a loss as well. She's having serious regrets about getting it cut now and is in a pretty foul mood. Poor thing.

Moo!

Well I've gained another 3 lbs. Quite an impressive weight gain I've gotten. NOT. I feel like a hefer. Ah well.. it's only for 9 months. Once Jordan is born I will give myself a couple of weeks to get into some sort of routine then work on my weight. I'm looking forward to it, actually. No huge goals of becoming a size 6... just being a healthier Kate.

Jordan's heartbeat was strong again today. She's slowing down somewhat and her kicks and pokes are changing to squirms and pushes as we compete for space. She's running out of womb... get it? Ha!

Not great news about the delivery. I was hoping for another controlled induction like with the other children because of my panic issues but it doesn't look like it will go that way and I will have to go into labour on my own. It's ok.... I can do it.

My sister is moving to St Catharines in the next week. Guess we won't be working on any sort of resolution if I'm here and she's there. Maybe it's for the best. We've never really had a healthy relationship and she doesn't seem to want one. I was willing to work through our issues with a counselor but it doesn't look like that will ever happen now. My mom is sad, not to mention my nephew. He won't see her now for another 3 or 4 weeks.

That's all for today.

Procrastination At It's Finest

Ok... I was just reading some of my previous entries and I am shocked at how many times I've posted about needing to clear out space in my room for Jordan's crib.

Would you believe I still haven't done it???

For the love of pete Kate... get a mitt and get in the game.

I have set a deadline for myself. Thursday night it has to be done. No excuses.

Go Katie GO!

:-(

I don't have a job according to Sam.

He has an assignment to do where he has to interview his parents about their jobs, what services they provide, what they like most about their work and what kind of training the job required.

I teased him about it and he said he would interview me, but looking at the questions I realized that my "job" didn't fit. He said he needed to report on a "real job".

I know my job is important. I guess I just feel.... I don't know.... excluded? Unimportant? Undervalued?

I guess it's silly to be bothered by it. It's just an elementary school assignment.

Getting Close!

This afternoon Ian and I are going on our hospital tour to see the labour and delivery area. I'm excited but nervous. All of a sudden her birth is around the corner.

I'm so excited to meet her but getting anxious about the delivery. I just hope that she tolerates it well and is born safely. I love her so much already and I can't wait to hold her and kiss her and for her to meet her daddy, brother and sister. She is being born into a family that has so much love in it.

Mish Mash Update

Well, the winter season of soccer has come to an end. Julie played phenomenally (as usual) yesterday and was very pleased with her trophy. My mom came as well so that made it special for Julie.

Today Sam had his final game as well and he was on fire! He even scored his first goal ever! I was so excited I am sure I could have been heard all over the city. He is pleased with his trophy and my mom came to his game as well. He was flying high.

Yesterday Julie and I had some "girl time". We went over to Second Cup and enjoyed each other's company - no boys allowed. I'm committed to keeping this up for her so that she knows that she is always special to me, no matter how many other children follow after her. (Relax Ian - only Jordan!) She had a huge chocolate chip cookie and some orange juice and I had a brownie with a Strawberry Smoothie. While we ate and talked we planned her birthday party for next month. She is such a wonderful little girl and I enjoy her so much.

Sam went to his friend's house to work on a project together. They are performing a breakdance in gym class tomorrow so they wanted to be prepared. He's been getting together with friends more and more lately and really loves it.

Ian and I looked at a house yesterday that I really liked. We aren't going to buy it, we just want to see what is on the market these days in our price range. It was a lovely little bungalow with a finished basement and fenced yard on a quiet mature street.

Today I am totally wiped out. Everything is aching and Ian ran me the most wonderful bath to relax in. I am feeling a bit more human now but still looking forward to bedtime.

Tomorrow my dear friend returns from the Guatemala mission trip. I can't wait to hear about her experiences down there. She has so many gifts and I can't wait to hear how she's used them and what God has done in her heart there.

Today at church we were blessed by hearing His Season perform for us. The music and testimonies really touched my heart and I ended up crying. Everyone has pain and sadness and brokenness inside them in one form or another and I am no different. I woke up this morning feeling so blue and down on everything and I really only went to church because it's been a few weeks since I've gone. I had no idea that I would be blessed like this. They sang about how they are living the Lord's promises right now and I realized that as heavy as my heart is right now, or as much as I have on my mind, one thing never changes - God is with me and loves me and will care for me. I just have to give everything to Him and leave it there, not try to take it back. Sometimes it's easier said than done...

Lots going on...

Today I took the car in to have the brakes repaired because they were grinding like crazy. I took it to Goodyear where they do all our repairs and my Mom's as well. Really nice, honest and helpful guys. Nothing like some of the scammer mechanics you hear about.

Turns out that they have a scoring system in terms of the brakes. My rear brakes scored 4/32. YIKES! My front brakes scored 0/32!! DOUBLE YIKES! He said his tech didn't even want to drive it into the service bay never mind a test drive and said it was a miracle I even made it there. He said there was almost nothing left of them and they could have given at any moment. I have to thank God here for His provision of safety, especially since Ian was out and about driving for his shows this weekend.

So I got the "must be done" stuff done today and I was given a list of what needed to be done in the next few months. Daunting but ultimately necessary.

I spent a half an hour on the phone with the government to confirm what I learned yesterday - I don't have enough hours banked to take the 1 year mat leave. I am 200 hours short. So, back to work I go when my claim ends on July 19th. If when I go back to the workforce I can do 200 hours, then I can then claim for the remaining time left for parental leave up until Jordan's first birthday.

I was really disappointed yesterday and spent a large part of the day crying at my pity party of one. But I have said all along that if for some reason I had to return to work early I would do it with a glad heart. I knew that by having another baby there would be sacrifices and this is one of many. I only had a 4 month mat leave with Sam, I can survive a 4 month one with Jordan. Not an ideal situation, but I am choosing to look at the bright side. Once I go back to work then some of our financial stress will alleviated. There is good and bad in everything, and everything has purpose. Yes there will be the chore of finding afterschool care for S & J and day care for Jordan, but God will open a door for us... I know He will.

I have my hospital tour booked for Monday. I'm kind of looking forward to that, then my next prenatal appointment is on Tuesday.

Tuesday the mission team from our church will be returning from Guatemala. Can't wait to hear about their experience!

Aside from Julie not getting a sandwich in her lunch today (sigh) I got a call from her teacher - turns out she punched someone in her class who then in turn bit her. She said she hit him by accident and I believe her. The bite wasn't bad... no mark left at all.

Tonight is the Lunar Eclipse. I doubt I will be awake for it.

Tomorrow my friend is in town from Japan and is coming for coffee. I'm looking forward to seeing her. I hope she doesn't mind my less than pristine house...

35 days to go.

Forgetfulness

I am really, really getting tired of this forgetfulness I've got going on. It's just not working for me anymore.

Last week I gave Sam fruit juice and Julie apple juice in their lunches. It should have been the other way around because one doesn't like fruit juice and the other hates apple juice.

Sam likes 2 snacks in his lunch and Jules likes 3. Yesterday Sam got 3 snacks and Julie got 2.

Today I got a call from the school saying Jules didn't have a lunch. Oh yes she did because I packed it and put it in her backpack myself. Turns out I put in everything ~ the right juice and number of snacks ~ but failed to put in a sandwich. Sigh.

Thank goodness my mom's house is just down the street from the school and she ran a sandwich down to her ASAP.

So very shortly there will be a lovely sign on my cupboard door reminding me of the correct juice flavours and snack quantities for each child as well as a big reminder to actually pack the sandwich part.

35 days to go.

So Sad

I made some stupid mistakes in the last number of months and now it's caused a really disappointing situation for us.

I have been crying all day. I'm only allowing myself today to be a baby about this because tomorrow I need to get my head around it and accept the situation and focus on the good. Today isn't long enough for all the feelings I have and for all the crying I want to do. I've been beating myself up all day.

I could just kick myself and I'm really disappointed.

What a lousy day.

Life’s Little Pleasures

I stole this idea from Jen because I thought it was cute.

Here is a list of my Life's Little Pleasures.....

1) A large steeped tea with double milk from Tim Horton's
2) One of Ian's bubble baths complete with candles, bubbles, classical music and a fresh towel
3) Cuddling with my children
4) An email from an old friend
5) An empty kitchen sink
6) When my toenails are painted
7) My nightly ice cream before bedtime (oh how I will miss you when this pregnancy is over)
8) Dropping my kids off at school and picking them up and hearing all about their days.
9) Fresh sheets on my bed
10) A dry newspaper - especially on Fridays for the flyers
11) Watching Lost on Thursday nights
12) Naps in the afternoon

Getting Tired

Yesterday was the hardest day of my pregnancy so far. Everything hurt and I reached a new record for slowness. I feel as though she is very low, but I still have shortness of breath so she can't have dropped yet. Lots of kicking and squirming still.

Only 38 more days. I am physically exhausted as well as constantly sleepy. My hormones are completely out of control.

I see my doctor on the 26th for my next appointment.

I still don't have the crib up yet. When should I pack my bag? I suppose I should talk with some friends to see if any of them can take the kids should I go early and my aunt hasn't arrived yet. Which means they'll each need a bag with pjs and a change of clothes should they have to stay at someone else's home.

I'll worry about all that later. I need a nap.

More Hamster Drama

Honestly. These hamsters are going to be the death of me! Aren't they supposed to stay in their cages? Apparently not!

Last night I was sleeping and was awoken to a scratching sound. "MICE!" I thought... then bravely looked behind my nightstand to see.... SUNNY! Sam's beloved hamster. WTHeck! This is the second time this hamster has made it to my room.

I swear she looked at me and came running around the night stand and started trying to climb up on my bed! I jumped out the other side and called Ian repeatedly from where he had fallen asleep on the couch downstairs. He came running - expecting SERIOUS drama (ie; water breaking perhaps) to my panicked "Sunny is in my room and she's trying to get me!"

He raced upstairs to see Sunny coming around the bed and changed her direction. He grabbed her but she jumped out of his hands and kept running. He grabbed her again and put her back in her cage.

Apparently when Sam was cleaning his room he must have bumped the cage and a tube that ran from one section to another had separated, giving her a chance to bolt. And where does she go of all places? To my side of the bed!

Another very daring yet unsuccessful prison break for Sunny.

A Verse

Last night this bible verse really jumped out at me as I was (and continue to) struggling with anxiety about my relationship with my sister and thought I would share it here.

"I lift up my eyes to the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth."
Psalm 121:1

She now knows about Jordan and everything has hit the fan. Apparently she is going to send Ian a letter in the mail. More venom and hatred en route. How lovely.

Appointment Update

All continues to go well with my pregnancy. My blood pressure is back where it should be and Jordan's heartbeat was strong and loud at 150 beats. I have gained 5 lbs in 3 weeks (yikes!) but my dr assures me it's mostly water retention. I don't know how I could be retaining anything with the number of visits I make to the bathroom.

Today I am committed to clearing out space in my room for her crib. Only 46 days to go.... I guess I should start getting ready.

I'm feeling a bit off today, kind of teary. I don't know why. Hormones probably. Hopefully this task will help reset myself.

Feeling Sad

Today I saw my sister for the first time since Dec 25/06.

I was sitting in the van waiting for the children to come out of school and she walked past. I kept looking at her to confirm it was her and she looked at me a couple of times out of the corner of her eye.

That was it. She kept walking and I stayed in the van waiting.

This is so not right. She is my only sister.

I feel like crying but I'll wait until the children are in bed before I allow myself that luxury.

Julie

I had such a heartbreaking conversation with Julie the other night. She told me that she was kind of excited about Jordan coming but mostly not. She said she was afraid that I wouldn't love her anymore now that I would have a new little girl. In her almost-seven-year-old way she was questioning her place in our family.

Seeing her big, beautiful blue eyes so full of tears made me want to cry too. It's been such a hard year for her, she has been through so much, and now she is getting ready for the new baby. I tried to explain to her how love grows with each child and that I will always love her "all the way to Heaven and back", that she is so special. I have always told her that she was the little girl I would dream about, and it was like God reached into my dreams and pulled her out to give to me for real. I mean it.

So we've decided to have at least one Girl's Day a month, just the two of us. Be it a movie or lunch together or just browse through the bookstore, it's going to be a firm date together. "No Jordan?" she asked. "No Jordan," I promised.

I feel sad when I think of the adjustment they have coming. Right now things are so easy with the four of us. Jordan is going to really throw us off our game! I pray that I will have patience with all three of my children and that I will make time for each of them so they will always feel special and important.

I just don't know how to better prepare her for this. I can reassure her of my love for her until the cows come home but she isn't going to believe me until she sees it.

I was the one who pushed for another child. For six years I pushed and pushed. The kids wanted to stay the way we are. I feel so selfish these days, and sad when I hear their fears and concerns. I know that in no time at all they will forget what life was like before Jordan came, but right now they are so full of emotion. I only have one sister and we haven't spoken since Christmas day 2006 and as I've already mentioned, doesn't know I am pregnant. I have long wished I had one other sibling so that I wouldn't feel so alone. I want them to have siblings, to have one another to help them through life when Ian and I are gone.

I've been asking friends with 3 or more children how they prepared each for new arrivals but their circumstances are so different. Their children are all so close in age so it wasn't an issue with them. I'm at a loss as to how to better encourage them or reassure them that everything is going to be great.

Another Snow Day!

That's right... another snow day! I can't remember ever having this many school closures from when I was a kid. We went no matter what the weather was. An "early release day"? Never had that either!

It seems like the kids are missing a lot of school lately. Jan 30th was a PA day, then Feb 1 was a snow day, yesterday was early release and today was a snow day. As it is they will only have 13 days of school in March between PA days, the March Break and Easter holidays. All I know is when I was in school we were there alllll the time.

Today we took it very easy and hung out in our pjs. The kids craft today was clay figures. Sam made a character from his video game and Julie made a hamster. Very cute. Once they harden we'll paint them which should be tomorrow.

My house is a disaster. A complete disaster. I really should do something about it.

More Ramblings

Today was a good day. Ian dropped the kids and me off at my mom's for breakfast and then we took them to school. We then picked up coffee and muffins and headed back to my mom's to visit. I love being over there. We talk and talk and talk and never run out of things to say. After lunch we both had naps and then went to pick up the kids after school.

Friday was the kids last day at PLASP (Peel Lunch And After School Program) but it was a snow day so the schools were closed. They were so bummed because all the kids had been working on things for a medieval battle they were going to have on Feb 1. The PLASP director is going to have the kids do their battle on Wednesday so my two can participate and I can watch them too.

Ian and I bought tons of craft kits and supplies for the kids to keep them busy when they come home from school and today we painted piggy banks. I am SO NOT a craft-sy person but I had so much fun with them! We talked about all sorts of stuff while we painted and ate freshly baked chocolate chip cookies with big glasses of milk. I was so into the time with the children that I completely forgot to start dinner!

I'm starting to get a bit nervous about the baby. I still haven't cleared out the spot for her crib and I haven't gone through all my stuff to see what I have and what I need. It's like I'm in complete denial or something. Time is ticking and I'm not ready. I keep telling people how I'm not ready.... yet I still fail to do anything towards getting ready! LOL. She has been kicking me all day. Poor little lamb is running out of space.

My sister doesn't know I am pregnant. We haven't spoken since Christmas of 2006. I decided that since she didn't want me in her life (what she said was along the lines of me being dead to her) I wasn't going to tell her about the baby. Well... here we are with her birth around the corner and I feel bad for not letting anyone tell her. Part of me thinks she will be very hurt that no one told her, but the other part thinks she just won't even care. That's the part that makes me sad. She wasn't very supportive of me during my other pregnancies and that took a bit of the shine off when your own sister isn't happy for you. She has done a lot of hurtful things to me in my life and I have never retaliated. This is the first time that I have done anything like this (mean? petty?) and it doesn't feel good. Not at all. I am not a mean person.

I've had a lot of mean or selfish relationships in my life and I am at the point where I just don't have any room for them in my life anymore. Maybe it's the hormones, maybe it's my age, maybe I've just reached my limit. I don't know. These days I am surrounding myself with friends who truly love me - the bad with the good - and who believe in me and support me. I give a lot of myself to my friendships. I try to encourage and nurture and support and love. While I believe that you get out of friendships what you put in - for the most part - sometimes that just isn't the way. I try not to be at odds with people. I have started to distance myself from the "takers" in my life. They take so much from me.

The kids have an early release day tomorrow. We never had those back in the day. We're going to make snowmen in my mom's backyard I think. We have two in our front yard and someone stole the black top hat the kids put on Frosty. So annoying.

Ramble....ramble....ramble. It's ok... it's my blog :-)

Good Times, Good Friends

Tonight Ian and I went to a surprise party for a friend of ours. It's been so long since we've socialized with friends... I can't even tell you. I'm surprised we were even invited to tell you the truth. We've really withdrawn from everyone for the last year and a bit and were dropped from various invite lists.

I made sure to nap this afternoon so I could stay up and party with the "big kids" tonight. Everyone was so happy to see us! (I told you, it's been ages!) We could only stay a couple of hours because Ian has a show in Concord tonight but I feel so .... replenished. I love these people so much. They were all fussing over me, asking me how I felt, telling me how great I look. They are so excited for us. It's unbelievable. There was so much to get caught up on, so much laughter.

The babysitter that came tonight did a great job and the kids loved her. Ian put in a pizza for them and I bought pop and chips. Here's the kicker.... she washed the dishes and the pizza pan... and wrapped and put away the leftovers. The kids have only had one other babysitter and she would eat like crazy and leave a mess. I would never expect them to do housework of any kind while watching the kids, but I have to admit, I was pretty impressed that this girl washed their dinner dishes. You'd never know she was here. Everything has been put back in place. I think Julie ran her pretty hard... she looked tired when Ian took her home!

Oh my heart feels so much better tonight. God has abundantly blessed us with friends who truly love us, whether they saw us last week or last year. I can't express how happy I am right now and how loved I feel.

Friends.... yet another beautiful gift from the Lord.

Sudden Realization

Today is February 1st. And my daughter is coming NEXT MONTH!

How is it that this pregnancy has flown by so quickly? It feels like last week when I was staring at the positive pregnancy test.

Today I was at the store looking at a wall of soothers and bottles and blankets and other baby paraphernalia and it hit me.... I am starting over. Completely. I feel like a brand new mother-to-be, full of excitement and nervous.

Sam is SO excited that she's coming NEXT MONTH (have to say it like that because .... well....wow). I feel like I have so much to do. The crib isn't up yet and we don't know if we've still got all the screws... I need a car seat... bedding..... stuff stuff stuff.

I can't believe that one of my biggest dreams is about to come true. I can't wait to hold her in my arms.

I'm a little nervous about how I will balance everything - three children, my home, my marraige, and eventually a job. What will the new dynamic be like? How will she fit in with her brother and sister? She will be deeply loved, that's the only thing I'm certain about.

I feel like I've got my cake AND I get to eat it too. God is so good.