Restless

If I had to describe how I am feeling these days, that's the word that comes to mind first.

Restless.

My heart is unsettled and I just feel... off.

Life feels backwards. I desperately want to be at home with the children again. I miss changing diapers and cooking and making peanut butter sandwiches and driving the children to school. I know that Ian longs to be back in the workforce, creating and presenting and leading.

My job is very stressful and the ever increasing pressure to produce is so intense. I've never had to work under conditions like these before and I'm really struggling. It's affecting me emotionally and physically and that frustrates me. I'm no longer that career driven woman I was before I had children. If I was, this job is it. There is a lot of potential with this position. But my priorities are so different now.

I feel disconnected from my children. I'm tired by the end of the night and there isn't much of anything left for Ian. That's not fair to him. I never was any good at balancing work life and home life.

I don't understand why things are the way they are. I do believe that God's plans are better than ours, I do. I just don't get it. I don't know what it is we need to do or how we need to pray for Him to change things. I don't know how to be settled with the way things are. I just tell Him that I'm sad and how much I miss my old life, and trust that He knows the why of things.

I know I sound whiny, and I'm sure I'm coming across as ungrateful. I'm sorry. I'm just so tired and so sad, and I just needed somewhere to let it out.

** I've turned off the comments to this post because I don't want anyone to feel as though they have to say something. I just needed to whine a bit.**