Good Friday

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

I cannot imagine the depth of love that God has for us, that He would give His only child so that we would have everlasting life.

The willingness of Jesus to give His life for us is something I cannot comprehend.

Did you know, that even if it was just for you, He would still give His life for you?

He loved you so much that He would rather die for you than live without you!

Amazing.

I pray that you know Him.

If you don't, let's talk.

Prayer Request ~ Update!

I am so relieved that this day is over.

I was so nervous about this ultrasound that I had nightmares all night.

But!

Baby Matthew looked wonderful and healthy. Everything looked ok, he was breathing well, I have enough amniotic fluid, etc and I didn't need to go upstairs to Labour and Delivery for any further testing.

He has two arms and two legs.

We saw his little fists moving all around and watched him kicking at my bladder (ouch!).

She estimated his weight at 5lbs. Holy pickles!!

He is currently in a transverse position and said he should be head down in a few weeks.

Thank you to those who left encouraging comments here on my blog, or reached out on facebook and twitter. It helped so much to know that you were praying for me and for our little boy.

I'm looking forward to having a solid night's sleep!

Prayer Request

This afternoon I will be having a bio-physical profile done to check on the baby. I'm told it's an ultrasound with a scoring system to check on the baby's health.

I've shared before that I'm on medication to control my blood pressure, and at my last appointment my pressure was it's highest yet.

I'm not a doctor, so forgive my lame explanations of things. Something about high blood pressure -> pre-eclampsia -> placental deterioration = uh oh.

I'm praying that all is well with this precious little guy that we've decided to name Matthew.

Still...

Satan has been whispering to me constantly the last few weeks and he's wearing me down.

Your baby is going to die.

I have dreams of missing limbs, of facial deformities. Of stillbirth.

I'm afraid to look at the ultrasound screen because of what I might - and might not - see.

I have three perfectly healthy children. A fourth seems too much to ask.

I feel horrible even posting these fears. ALL children have beauty and purpose.

Oh how I love him already. Nothing will change that.

Will you pray for our little Matthew today? I'd appreciate it so much.

I'll update you all tonight.

Thank you <3

Update On Sam

Sunday night already. Why oh why must the weekends pass by so quickly?

Just a quick update on Sam: Ian met with two police officers the other day to discuss the issue with this kid in Sam's class. Long story short, they can't really do anything right now. But... when this kid turns 12 it's a different story. Apparently if he was already 12, the police would have charged him and he'd be expelled from the school. So, we wait.

We were under the impression that this kid had a 2-day suspension but that wasn't true. He was back at school on Friday and back to punching Sam and calling him dirty names. Now Ian is angry. He called the principal and she's going to "investigate" and make calls on Monday. Ian told her he expects a call on Monday and wants this stopped now.

Go Ian GO!

In other Sam news, he sprained his ankle on Friday night at youth group. I wanted him to see a doctor on Saturday just to rule out anything really serious, so Ian took him to the walk-in clinic, who then sent him to the hospital. They took an x-ray but nothing was fractured and said it was just a sprain. He's been hobbling around on crutches all weekend.

My No-So-Proud-Mommy-Moment? I told Sam that if this kid cornered him and started hitting him, and he couldn't get away, hit him with a crutch.

Oh yeah. I said it.

Scold me if you need to, but I don't regret it. I want to smack that kid myself!

That's it for now. Hope you had a beautiful Palm Sunday :-)

Quick Update

I think I have reached that point in pregnancy when I turn into KateZilla. I am cranky.

No. I don't think so.

I know so.

Sigh.

Sunday I hardly got any sleep at all. The baby was kicking and poking me so hard, and it was after 4am before I could fall asleep, then I was up at 7 to get ready for work.

I had a really difficult time concentrating at work, and I managed to doze off in the bathroom.

I know. Gross.

I saw my doctor in the evening as scheduled. My blood pressure was higher than it's been so far, so he had me lay down for 10 minutes then took another reading and it was much better. The baby's heartbeat sounded lovely and steady. He sent me for more blood work, this time to check my liver function. I'm having another ultrasound - my fifth! - this Monday to make sure the baby is doing ok, and to make sure the placenta is functioning efficiently. He said that if there is anything "off" they will send me upstairs to labour and delivery. If they let me leave, then I can relax and know that all is well. I'm a little nervous.

Weight gain? 1 pound.

I don't get it.

Total weight gain so far is 3 lbs and he's pleased with that. I told ya, I'm fluffy. Fluffy peeps don't need to gain as much.

In other news, Sam had more trouble with that kid I've blogged about before. He was pushing Sam and punching him in the arm and chest. Sam tried walking away twice and this kid kept coming at him. So, Sam put him in a head-lock and punched him in the head three times and the kid went down. The principal has been investigating everything as there were several boys involved by the time it was over, and tomorrow there will be a police officer at the school to talk to the boys, and Ian has been asked to be there for 10am. I want to be there but I know I'll just run my mouth and make a mess of things.

I think pregnant women should be allowed to say whatever they want to. What's the point of having these raging hormones if we can't let go once in awhile???

Spring has sprung here and I'm loving every minute of it!

OK, that's about all I have to talk about tonight. I'm pooped and ready for bed!

Cranky, Crusty and Crabby...Oh My!

Yeah, so that blog title pretty much sums up how I'm feeling these last couple of days.

I hate feeling like this.

Yesterday I got tired of putting a smile on everything and just felt mad. I went to bed earlier than usual because nothing positive was coming out of my mouth and I wasn't being particularly sweet.

I cried for a bit. Prayed for a bit. Pulled out my crayons and colouring books for a bit. Tried to sleep.

It irks me how some people seem to have the easiest time with everything, while others are left to struggle over and over, for everything.

The job market is crap right now. Ian is trying so hard but no one will return his calls.

My head knows God is in control and He has a plan...but my heart tells me He has forgotten us. I know I can't give into my feelings so I'm trying to listen to my head more.

Our son is due in 11 weeks. There is so much uncertainty about the future that I can't even let myself get truly excited. I'm too caught up in the whole "what are we going to do if..."

It's a control thing, you know? I like to have control of what's going to happen, to know what to expect. Right now I've got nuthin. I can't see the future, I can't plan for it. All I can do is endure until things get better.

Ugh. Ugh. UGH!

Ian bought me a box of M&Ms and I just might eat.them.all.

/end whinefest

5QF ~ April 1

Oh my goodness, is it just me or did Friday come around super quick?

Not that I'm complaining mind you :-)

Tonight Julie is going to her first sleepover ever and she's so unbelievably excited. Me? Not so much. It's not that I don't want her to go, or that I have concerns about where she's going. It's just that I can't believe we're at sleepover age already, you know?

It will feel weird to not have her sleeping down the hall tonight. I'm sure she'll have a wonderful time though.

Ian and Sam will be at Jr High tonight, so Jordan and I will likely cuddle in my bed and watch a movie, then fall asleep together. We both like that.

Tomorrow night my family is coming for dinner to celebrate the girls' birthdays and I can't wait to see them. I love being with my family.

Do you have any big plans for the weekend?



Are you ready for some Five Question Friday fun? Me too!

1. Have you ever had surgery?

Yes, I've had a few surgeries. I've had my gallbladder removed, a D & C after my miscarriage, my wisdom teeth out and a cystoscopy to remove a cancerous tumour from my bladder.

2. Ever ride in an ambulance?

I've ridden in one twice. Once when my friend had an asthma attack at school and they called an ambulance. I sat in the front seat and it wasn't very dramatic. They didn't even turn the lights on even though I asked very nicely.

The second time was when Jordan was 1 and had croup. I rode in the back with her, holding her hand, and grilled the EMS dude about his whole personal life. He loved it! It was like Nosy Kate met Nosy Kate and we got along famously.

3. How are you in a medical emergency? Panicked? Calm?

I'd like to tell you that I'm cool as a cucumber but that wouldn't be the truth. My mind goes to the worst case scenario immediately, I panic and repeat myself a lot. Oh, and I cry. Which I am sure comes as a big shock to you.

4. Do you have a garden? Flowers or veggies?

I love the idea of a garden but I don't have a green thumb. All that planting and weeding and watering... bah. It makes me tired just thinking about it. Maybe I'll plant some flowers this spring. But probably not.

5. When did you move out of your parents house?

I lived at home until I got married. Truth is, if Ian hadn't married me I'd probably still be living at home. I'm sure my mother is most thankful Ian came along ;-)

That's a wrap!

Head on over to Mama M's blog My Little Life and join in on the fun!

Book Review: The Search

When worlds collide, can the truth set two young women free?

As a child caught up in a crisis, Lainey O'Toole made a split-second decision with far-reaching effects. Fifteen years later, when her car breaks down in Stoney Ridge--the very town in which that decision was made--she is forced to face the past and discover how her decision has impacted so many.

Bess Reihl is less than thrilled to be spending the summer at Rose Hill Farm helping her intimidating grandmother Bertha recover from surgery. It doesn't take long for Bess to realize that her grandmother coaxed her to Stoney Ridge for an entirely different reason. But once Bess meets hired hand Billy Lapp, the summer starts to hold some promise.

Lainey's and Bess's worlds are about to collide and the secrets that come to light will shock them both.

Beautifully written, The Search is a skillfully woven story that takes you through unexpected twists and turns on the long country road toward truth. Immerse yourself in this heartwarming--and surprising--tale of young love, forgiveness, and healing.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Beth is an impressionable fifteen year old girl who is being sent to stay with her grandmother for the summer. Bertha, a force to be reckoned with, is a grandmother who had ulterior motives for sending for her granddaughter. Jonah is Beth's father, still grieving the loss of his wife Rebecca 15 years prior, and trying his best to raise Beth on his own. Lainey is the piece that pulls everyone together. Over the course of the summer, these lives will grow closer than any of them could ever have expected.

I loved the gentle and easy way I was drawn into this story. The characters were realistic and likeable, and I found myself lost in the simplicity of the Amish life.

I've been enjoying this series of books by author Suzanne Woods Fisher, however this one was a little different that her usual style. This story had drama and secrets and unexpected turns of events. I wish there had been a bit more build up to the more dramatic parts, but enjoyed them nonetheless.

I really liked the subtle references to characters from other books, as well. I liked having an answer to some of my "where are they now" questions.

The relationship between Jonah and Lainey was sweet and genuine, and I loved watching their love unfold. Beth's crush on Billy was cute, and I like how things turned out for them.

I loved everything about this book, to be honest. I find the Amish life to be refreshing and sweet and good.

If you are looking for a great weekend read and you enjoy reading about Amish life, then I highly recommend this book. You'll want to read the others in the series as well!

~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Book has been provided courtesy of Baker Publishing Group and Graf-Martin Communications, Inc. Available at your favourite bookseller from Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Group.

Working

For the most part, I don't mind working.

I like that I'm contributing to the family and that my children - especially my daughter Julie - see that there is more to Mom than the ability to change diapers or cook dinner. You know?

I like that my children are seeing that in this time of employment upheaval, Mom and Dad are a team, and they work together.

I work for a company that provids cleaning services to stores. I am responsible for collections and billing, and whatever other projects they give me.

I miss being at home with the children very much, but I'm trying to enjoy this season for however long I'm in it.

This is my workspace.



See all my post-it notes? I'm terrified that I'll forget something so I stick them everywhere.

The coworker on the other side of my wall has this weird habit of standing up and staring at me. I don't think she's staring at me so much, just that she's staring. No matter. It creeps me out, so I roll close to my desk and duck down so she can't see me.

Every day there is that one conversation that just kills me. Usally it's a collection call and it's all I can do not to laugh.

Take the other day for instance. I called a property management company for payment and our conversation went something like this.

Him: I cannot help you. You have to call Dragen.

Me: Dragon?

Him: Dragen! He is property manager, not fire breathing animal!

Me: Oh. I'm sorry I thought that's what I said. "Dragon".

Him: DragEN. EN!

Sigh.

Last week I called for accounts payable and was told that "Cinderella isn't in today".

Um... yeah.

Then there is the stuff I hear all around me. Such as a subcontractor angry that his payment isn't ready so he's going to put a bomb in our building.

Yikes.

It's amazing to me to see how God works everything out. I knew I'd have to return to work last fall, but I was so worried about who I would find to care for Jordan. She's never been to daycare and I didn't know where to start to find a great place for her. Then, Ian was laid off. I took this temp assignment, able to relax knowing that Ian would be home with her.

So even when I was freaking out about how we were going to manage everything, God had the details all worked out.

That's why I try so hard (and yet often fail) to not get stressed out these days. I know that God has everything worked out for our family, and when it's time for Ian to go back to work, the doors will open.

Ian is anxious to get back to work. He's working so hard to find employment, yet all the doors seem to be closed right now. It's so disheartening.

But God has it all worked out, I just know it. He's preparing the perfect job for Ian and will open that door when the time is right.

In the meantime, I get to do what I do, contribute to my wonderful family, enjoy the feedback I get for my work efforts, and make some new friendships.

For how ever long this season lasts, I am choosing to trust that God is in control.

Thank goodness for that!

Catching Up

The last few days have been very special in our house - we've been celebrating Julie's 10th birthday and Jordan's 3rd.

It's amazing how quickly the years go by, isn't it?

Julie was so excited to be in the double digits, and Jordan kept telling me she just wanted to stay 2.

I can't blame her. I want her to stay 2 as well.

Julie wanted a pool party, so we rented out a pool and party room and decorated it in a tropical theme and it rocked.

Here is Julie with her closest friends:



Jules was over the moon because her party was the first party her very best friend had ever been to. *K* kept saying how "awesome" and "cool" and "amazing" everything was! So sweet.

Here's Sam hanging in the hot tub with the guys: (sorry about the pic quality)



Not to be ignored, Jordan got in on the swimming action too:



Julie's cake:



Cindy came to help out, as did Ian's best friend Gary. We were so grateful for the extra hands because we were still fighting colds and neither of us were up for swimming. Julie had a wonderful time and we were all exhausted when we got home.

We were supposed to have my family over for dinner on Sunday but with all of us feeling lousy, we had to cancel. We ended up having a slow day, and Ian picked up dinner from Swiss Chalet (one of Julie's favourite restaurants) and we had another cake as Sunday was her actual birthday.

Today is Jordan's 3rd birthday. I brought home McD's for dinner (Jordan's favourite) and we had another cake to celebrate her. I became so teary as she sang Happy Birthday right along with us, and blew out her own candles.

We do have pics of this... but they're on Ian's iPhone. Sorry.

We have three partial cakes in the kitchen right now. You know how I love cake, right? But even I have a limit!

I'm weird when it comes to cakes. I don't think that just because the girls' birthdays are a couple of days apart, they should have to share a cake. Nope. We get each one their own for their own days. This weekend my family will be coming for dinner so we'll have even more cake. I hope Sam bakes one... he makes awesome cakes.

Today was my prenatal appointment. I didn't gain anything, so I'm still sitting at only 2 lbs. My blood pressure was a bit high and that has him concerned, and he wants me to come back in 2 weeks to have it rechecked. He said he'll give me a requisition at that time for a bio-physical profile (I think that's what it's called) to check the placental function. In other words, it's an ultrasound. He's treating me as though this is a high risk pregnancy, and I'm grateful he's staying on top of things. He said that while it's possible I could go into labour on my own, it's more likely that I will be induced, as he doesn't want me going past June 26th. That works for me, because I have someplace to be on the 29th.

Baby's heartbeat is 150 and I passed my glucose tolerance test. No gestational diabetes for me!

That's about all I have the energy to update right now. Ian gave me a refresher on how to upload pics from my camera so now I can go back to showing you pictures of my day to day life. Ha.

:-)

Oh No They Di-ent!

I have a cold and I am miserable.

It started on Saturday night and I spent the day in bed all day Sunday. I managed to make it to work on Monday, but then was home in bed all day Tuesday.

I cough constantly and my sides now ache. I sneeze so hard I lose my balance. I've gone through tons of Kleenex and juice.

I'm not a "mature" sick person. I get crabby and whiny and I like things the way I like them.

Today I wasn't feeling all that hungry so I tossed a Lunchable in my purse for my lunch.



It's supposed to have 8 crackers, 8 pieces of lunch meat (mine had kielbasa) and 8 pieces of cheese.

Notice I said supposed to have.



Imagine my dismay when I got to the 8th cracker and the 8th piece of lunch meat and....

NO 8TH PIECE OF CHEESE!

I was speechless.

I must have checked and re-checked the empty tray three times before the sad truth sunk in.

I.was.robbed.

I like things in even numbers. I appreciate it when things are even. I don't like odd numbered groupings.

So there I was, sick and whiny, having to choke down a cracker and a piece of meat with no cheese to make it perfect.

Oh the horror.

What made it better, you ask?

The little mini Kit Kat bar that comes with it.



That poor little piece of deliciousness didn't even see me comin'.

Yum.

All better.

5QF ~ March 19

It's Friday! It's Friday!




Shake what your Mama gave you, kitty cat!

What a week! This job sucks all my brain power all week and I've been looking forward to some family time this weekend. I'm in serious need of some cuddle time with the children. I'd also like to go to bingo with my mom on Saturday morning because there's a $10,000 card that I'd kind of like to win. I'd also like to sew... but I've been wanting to do that for weeks now and just never get to it.

We're enjoying Roll Up The Rim To Win season here. Cindy drives me to work almost every morning and we stop at Tim Hortons to get our steeped tea. Gotta start our day off right ya know!

I seldom win on these cups, but I did win a free coffee/tea the other day. I was very excited. I enjoyed my free tea very much today.



And last Thursday or Friday I was on the receiving end of a Random Act of Kindness! When we got to the window to pay for our tea, the lady in the car ahead of us had already paid! SCORE! I was so excited.

Today I broke down and went to buy bigger underwear. My belly is very round and my regular underwear are cutting into me. I love new underwear. I love it like I love cookies and Spring.

It has been forever and a day since I took part in my dear friend Mama M's Five Question Friday!



1. Have you ever testified in court? For what?

I haven't testified in a courtroom, but I did go as far as discovery. I was very angry to be there and didn't bother to hide my feelings. When I was 18 I was sideswiped by a transport truck on a major highway. It sent our car spinning until we stopped facing oncoming traffic. He claimed that I drifted into his lane and caused the accident, and that as a result he suffered a severe back injury. He sued me for a million dollars. Years had passed before we made it to discovery and a lot of details were forgotten. Long story short, he didn't win and ended up having to pay back thousands and thousands of dollars in benefits because it was proven that he lied.

You reap what you sow, my friends.

2. Do you still have your wedding dress?

I do. I tried leaving it at my mother's house and had success for several years, but then she evicted it and now it's hanging in my laundry room. I never had it preserved and it smells rather funky 15 years later. I don't know if it's too late to save the dress at this point. I can't throw it out because I paid $1,500 for it. Talk about STUPID.

3. Is there a special place you like to go when you're happy, sad, stressed, etc.?

Home.

Home makes everything feel better, doesn't it? And it's a great place to be happy too.

4. If you have kids, do they sleep with you? If you don't have kids...will you let your kids sleep with you when/if you have them?

Nope, our children don't sleep with us. I had a fleeting moment when Sam was first here when I thought we should try co-sleeping and Ian nixed that ASAP. I'm glad he did because it isn't the safest thing to do. I'm a very heavy sleeper and I'd probably roll over and squish my peeps. Also, it's not a good habit to get into IMO. Parents need privacy and children need to be able to sleep on their own. I know that a lot of people co-sleep and that's their choice. It's just not something I support.

5. Do you watch late night TV?

Nope. I can barely stay awake until 10pm! I'm sure once the baby comes I'll be up all hours of the night and will become very familiar with late night tv!

Great questions, Mama M!

Head on over to Mama M's blog My Little Life to join in on the fun!

One Hour Glucose Test

Yesterday I went for my one hour glucose test. I didn't know how long it would take between travel time and wait time, so I decided to take the entire afternoon off from work.

I took a number and looked at it I heard the woman at the desk call out "22! Number 22!"

I looked down at my number.... 47.

Super!

I decided to play dumb and ask the woman at the desk if I needed to take a number since I was "only there for a glucose test." She gave me my drink and said she'd start the clock as soon as I finished it.

I seem to recall it being a pleasant orange pop type of drink and was actually looking forward to it since I always drink diet pop.

It was so syrupy and sweet and gross, and it was all stuck to the inside of my mouth. I seriously thought I was going to barf. A man across the hall must have seen that tell tale barf look on my face because he said "if you're gonna hurl lady, don't do it in my direction thank you."

Nice.

I had brought my book and Javier, my iPhone, for entertainment to fill the hour wait. For the most part I was entertained by the other people waiting for their own blood work.

I was texting my friend Cindy and out of the corner of my eye I saw some guy peeking in my purse.

!!!

I looked at him and asked if he was looking for something of his in there. He gave me a dirty look and walked away.

I was amazed at one man who used a seat for his wife's purse. People were standing all around but no one must have been as tired and in need of a place to sit as that purse.

But my favourite was the man sitting next to me, reading my text conversation with Ian. I was telling him what time I'd be home and then said "I'd text more but the rude dude next to me is reading everything I'm texting."

To which the guy next to me said "I'm not rude!"

Well apparently you are if you're reading over my shoulder.

I'll get my results at my next appointment on the 29th. Hopefully I passed.

I have 10 days left before I hit my third trimester. I can hardly believe it.

I've been having difficulty getting comfortable and sleeping well. Little Dude doesn't like it when I lay on my right side for some reason and kicks me constantly until I switch sides. I'm up every hour to use the washroom. I have horrible nightmares.

But.... it will all be worth it in just over three months when I get to hold my precious little boy! I can't WAIT!!

I'll let you know about my results at the end of the month because I just know you'll be longing to know ;-)

Will All The Perfect Mothers Please Stand Up?

I'd like to point out that I am sitting.

I am not a perfect mother.

I am no where near that status.

I make mistakes every single day and I'm so thankful to have children who love me anyway.

I assume that other mothers make mistakes too, and I try not to judge their parenting choices. I'm more successful at that now than I was before I had children.

BK (Before Kids) I thought I knew it all. But let's be honest... nothing knocks you into reality faster than that nurse who hands you your brand new baby and you realize you're on your own!

As moms, we do the best we can for our children. What works for some may not work for others.

But I am amazed at the judgements I have received from other mothers - my friends - for my choices.

When I deliver my children, I choose to have an epidural. Not when I can't take the pain anymore. Right when I arrive. I have been induced with each pregnancy and I have requested my epidural before they start the induction. And my doctor allows it.

I'm going to do it again with this delivery, too.

Does that make me a wimp? Maybe. Does it make me less of a mom because I chose pain medication? Not in my opinion. I've yet to meet a mother who received an award for delivering without any pain relief. I've been judged by "friends" for this choice, and told I am not a "real woman" because I've chosen it this way.

I think my husband might disagree ;-)

You know what else? I formula fed my children. By choice. Am I less of a mother because I chose this method? Nope. My children have always been exceptionally healthy and we are confident that we made the right choice for them. When Jordan came along, our choice to formula feed allowed everyone to participate in her mealtimes, and to bond with her in that way.

Guess what? These same "friends" judged me for this choice too. They said my kids weren't getting the best start in life, and asked me why I didn't feel guilty.

Why on earth would I feel guilty??

If a woman chooses to nurse her child, I say that's wonderful. If she chooses to formula feed her child, I say that's wonderful too.

I could share my opinions regarding vaccinating, the family bed, spanking, homeschooling and eating at McDonald's but I think my point is clear.

As moms, we're all just doing the best we can.

And we shouldn't have to justify our choices to others.

If we can agree on that then why are there so many criticisms and judgements by other mothers?

I have yet to meet a perfect one and something tells me I won't anytime soon.

Unbelievable

Today was my monthly prenatal appointment. I have blogged before about the various issues I have with my doctor and how frustrated I feel when I leave there.

Last month's appointment had me very upset. I can't remember if I told you about it or not, so bear with me if I'm repeating myself. Brain cells are in short supply these days.

My doctor has a nurse practitioner working with him as part of her residency. She's a lovely woman, I am sure, however I personally don't want to have to see her. Last month she couldn't find the baby's heartbeat and just kept looking and looking, and adding more and more gel on my very gelled up belly. I told her that Dr. L has to push hard to hear it, but she didn't do that. Finally she excused herself to get him and he came in and very quickly (and roughly) located it. She also took my blood pressure but I didn't think she got an accurate reading. My doctor spoke to me for about 34.5 seconds before darting out the door.

I was so cross.

I decided I was going to bring Ian with me to my next appointment so he could tell the doctor that WE (key word) didn't want to have the NP examine me, that we'd wait for him.

I was all bothered about this pending conversation and it turned out that the NP wasn't working with him today! Talk about wasted energy. It was actually a very good appointment and I give credit for that to Ian. He and my doctor get along rather well and I don't think he likes me all that much.

So...on to the unbelievable part...

Guess how much weight I've gained this month?

One pound.

I know, right!?

That makes my total weight gain 2 pounds.

Before you start to worry about the health of my little dude, know that I am on the very "fluffy" side and baby is just taking from me.

His heart rate is 150 and, according to what they could see on the ultrasound, he looks very healthy. My blood pressure is in a good range and all is well. I need to have my 1 hour glucose test in the next few days and then I go back in 3 weeks.

Oh my word... I'm having a baby.

I just love it when this realization just washes over me like that. I am getting more and more excited by the day.

And now I'm going to lay in bed and feel my little boy roll and swish and kick and poke me, and spend some time praising the One who gave him to me.

Good night :-)

This And That

Let me begin this post by saying thank you to those of you who left me such encouraging comments or emailed me privately regarding my last blog post. I was feeling so low and you just lifted me right up.

I appreciate you all so much, and it means so much that you would encourage me, someone you don't really know.

I don't want to portray that my life is all sunshine and rainbows, but I don't want my blog to become whiny either. I'm trying to find a balance between the two where I can just be real with you.

God has really been providing for our family during this season. Ian has at least one magic booking each weekend and that helps so much. (Did I ever tell you that Ian is a professional magician? Probably... but I love to brag about him!) Last year was pretty slow for bookings, but this year has been quite the opposite. This weekend was one of the only ones in a long while where he didn't have any, then he was offered one at the last minute. God is good.

Yesterday I went to get my hair done. I struggled with the expense of it but had to add it to the budget because my hair was looking like a disaster area and it was really affecting my self-esteem. I'm not one of those women who go to the hair salon every six weeks or everytime there is a special occasion. Oh no... it's been five months since my last appointment and I was looking pretty shaggy. I asked my stylist to make me look hawt again, but not as hawt as last time because look what happened last time.... and I pointed to my belly. We had a good laugh. (But I wasn't kidding, ha!)

I just love my stylist Mary. She is so sweet and does wonderful work. I brought Julie along because she was in dire need of a haircut as well. It was lovely girl time together. We talked about school and life and dreams and boys... it was really sweet. She's such an interesting and fun little girl, my Julie is. She will be 10 this month. Where does the time go??

Yesterday Ian surprised me with Chinese food for dinner. I had opened my fortune cookie to read what it said, then left the cookie part on my belly. A few minutes later the baby kicked me so hard that my cookie moved! His kicks have been getting stronger and stronger, and yesterday my belly was aching when I went to bed.

I see my doctor for my monthly appointment on Tuesday. I'm bringing Ian with me this time because I need him to say a few things that I'm not comfortable saying. Things like how I don't want to see the nurse practitioner anymore, just him. I'm going to also request that when the baby is born that he gets a pulse ox test.

Tomorrow will be a very busy day at work. I have a couple of things I need to do, that for some reason, no matter how many times they're explained to me, I still don't "get". Hopefully I can wrap those up tomorrow and then not worry about them until next month. As busy or frustrating as this job can be, I am deeply grateful for the work.

Jordan seems to be longing for warmer weather. She chose a sundress to wear around the house all day yesterday, and today she's modelled her bikini for me, and is now wearing a sleeveless shirt. I love her little squishy almost three year old body. Yep... three at the end of this month.

I don't think I have any ground breaking news about Sam to share. He's being awesome as usual.

Well, I think I'll wrap up my rambling for now. I'm going to try to blog a little more regularly about what's going on here. I come up with ideas at work but then forget when I get home!

Hope you all are doing well and have a great week!

Isaiah 43:3

"A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out."

Isaiah 42:3

I am as thankful for this verse today as I was back in November when a dear friend shared it with me.

We were sitting together at Second Cup and all of my thoughts and fears about this surprise pregnancy and Ian's recent layoff were spilling out without really censoring myself, all the while knowing that she wasn't judging my heart. She understood it and I felt her love.

She told me that in the book of Isaiah it says that God will not break a bruised reed. I'd never heard that verse before, but it has brought me so much comfort.

I'm scared. I'm 40 years old and I'm pregnant. I wasn't in the best shape to begin with, but now I find myself so tired and so restricted. I have high blood pressure and I take medication to control it. So far, so good. I don't know how I will handle four children. I don't think I do that great of a job with the three I have now.

My husband continues to search for employment and has sent out hundreds of resumes. He has yet to hear back from anyone and that is so hard. His contacts are MIA and that frustrates me.

Yet, he doesn't give up. He continues to be positive while he searches, choosing to be joyful as he cares for the children and our home, lovingly takes care of me.

I pray constantly that God will provide a job for Ian. I pray that He will keep my husband strong and in good spirits. I pray that I stay clear of despair.

But I feel it close by.

I'm tired of people asking me how we're doing. I'm tired of smiling and saying everything is fine. I'm tired of feeling scared.

I know God has a plan for us. I do believe that. Bruised as we may be, I know that He won't break us.

I'm just tired and scared. And tired of being scared.

Tonight is one of the very, very few times I've allowed myself to let go and to just cry as I pray. Normally I just squish it down with prayer and positive thinking. I just can't tonight.

I'm sorry for being so low tonight. I just don't feel as though I can talk to anyone about this, and I needed a place to let it out.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Book Review: Promises To Keep

Eleven-year-old Roz (Rosalind) Anthony and her family have just moved to Mills River, Illinois, to escape an abusive situation. Only days after settling into their new home, they are surprised to find the previous owner, Tillie Monroe, on their front porch reading the newspaper. Though her sons have sold the house and sent her to a facility for the aged, she is determined to die in the place she lived her life and somehow manages to find her way "home" day after day. Feeling sympathy for the elderly woman, Roz's mother allows Tillie to move back in.

Mara Nightingale becomes Roz's first friend in Mills River. In spite of their many differences, the girls discover they have something in common that binds them together--both are hiding secrets. So they make a promise--"cross my heart and hope to die"--never to tell anyone else.

When danger stalks the Anthonys, Tillie exhibits unimaginable courage and selfless love in her determination to protect the family she has adopted as her own.

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I found this book to be delightful from the get go with it's charming and realistic characters. Anne Tatlock is a new author for me, and I found her to be a wonderful storyteller.

Janis is a single mother, trying to start a new life with her children after escaping from an abusive marriage. Roz is an 11 year old girl unable to let go of missing her father. Tillie is an elderly woman who refuses to let go of the home she helped build with her husband.

I loved Tillie's spunk, Janis' strength, and Roz brought me back to my childhood.

A sweet, moving and powerful read told by the perspective of 11 year old Roz, I highly recommend this to anyone looking for a good book to curl up with and lose yourself in.

Book has been provided courtesy of Baker Publishing Group and Graf-Martin Communications, Inc. Available at your favourite bookseller from Bethany House, a division of Baker Publishing Group.

Book Review: Larkspur Cove

Moses Lake was a constant place, on the surface. But you can't always tell by looking, what might be brewing underneath...

After surviving the worst year of her life, Andrea Henderson moves home to sleepy little Moses Lake, Texas, to recover her shattered faith and build a new life for herself and her son.

Game Warden Mart McClendon finds himself in Moses Lake for a different reason: to forget a tragedy for which he can't forgive himself.

But when a mysterious little girl is suddenly seen with the town recluse, these two unlikely allies are drawn together in a search for her identity. As wounded pasts collide, will their quest bring the redemption and hope they need--or consequences neither of them expected?

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I found this book very difficult to get into. The first several chapters were very slow and I kept losing interest with all the plot and character set up that took place.

While I usually don't mind chapters being told by different character perspectives, I didn't enjoy the back and forth storytelling between the two main characters.

What I did like, however, was the way Andrea's profession was portrayed. We tend to think of those in Social Services as being hard and cold, but Andrea was caring and gentle. It was nice to see her portrayed that way.

I found this book hard to get through and it didn't hold my interest. It's not a book I would recommend.

Book has been provided courtesy of Baker Publishing Group and Graf-Martin Communications, Inc. Available at your favourite bookseller from Bethany House, a division of Baker Publishing Group.

Book Review: If God, Why Evil?

Where Did Evil Come From? And Why Doesn't God Do Something About It?

The problem of evil is perhaps the most difficult question the Christian must face. If God is good and all-powerful, why is there suffering in the world? Can't God put an end to murder, rape, and starvation? What about earthquakes, hurricanes, and tsunamis? Why couldn't a perfect God have made a perfect world?

In this concise but thorough book, Dr. Norman Geisler carefully answers these tough questions, using step-by-step explanations and compelling examples. He walks the reader through time-tested answers but also provides a new approach revolving around whether or not this world is the "best of all possible worlds." All this adds up to comforting news for believers: we can rest assured that God is both loving and all-powerful.

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I wish I had a dollar for every time a non-believing friend has asked me a variation of "If there truly is a God, why does He allow all these bad things to happen? Why are there starving children in the world?" And so on.

My standard answer is always, "I don't think we'll ever understand this side of Heaven."

While true, it's lacking. So when I had the opportunity to review this book I jumped at the chance. I thought that I'd be well armed with truthful and helpful responses.

I hate to say this, but I was disappointed in this book. It's certainly well written, however it's very intellectual and at times I found my mind wandering to other things and had to really force myself to concentrate on the subject matter.

I was hoping this book would have clear and simple answers to the question If God, Why Evil? It's not a book I could recommend to a non-believing friend, and that's really what I was hoping to get out of this book ~ the opportunity to pass it on to someone who could use it.

However, if you are a believer then you might very well enjoy the depth and theology in this book. It just wasn't for me.

Book has been provided courtesy of Baker Publishing Group and Graf-Martin Communications, Inc. Available at your favourite bookseller from Bethany House, a division of Baker Publishing Group.