Emotionally Spent

What a week. I feel like my emotions have been run through the ringer and I am tired.

This week I had a very angry encounter with my nephew. I have eluded to some trouble in my family and sadly he is a very large part of that. I just let loose on him, yelling and yelling. I said things to him about what he has done that I have been carrying in my heart for over two years. Things I have never expressed before. He just stood there and took it all.

When my sister caught wind that I did that she was not pleased. What followed was a series of emails back and forth that were angry and hurtful. For years I have let her pound on me like a punching bag (metaphorically speaking) and didn't retaliate and in the last number of years she has been pounding on Ian. The hate and anger that this woman can express is nothing short of heartbreaking. She really let me know what she thought of me. And in return, for the first time, I let her know what I thought of her.

And I didn't hold back.

So I went ahead and let her know what I thought of her, the choices she has made in her life, what I thought of the way she treated people and more. I just broke. The things that were said - on both sides - were pretty mean. Things that won't be forgotten for a long time, if ever.

Hours later, once I calmed down, I started to feel pretty ashamed of myself. This is not the person I want to be - angry, mean, hurtful. I have tried so hard to live a life of integrity, grace and maturity and I feel as though I've lost all credibility in those areas because of this. I proudly call myself a Christian yet I acted like anything but.

Later that night when the children were in bed and it was just Jordan and me, I put on some worship music and just spent time with the Lord, talking to Him about what I had done and how I felt. I have been spending almost every night scouring my bible for verses on forgiveness and I felt ashamed at my behaviour. After awhile I sat in silence not knowing what else to say to Him. Ian and I talked about it for awhile before I went up to bed. He is always so supportive and loving towards me. He understood that I had reached my breaking point.

I thought she was coming to a place where she could take ownership of some of the problems in our family situation. I wanted to bring my children to see her this weekend as she hasn't seen them for a year and a half. Because of the hateful things she said about my family, it will be a long time before she will be able to see them again. That makes me so sad.

Today was interesting. My nephew asked to speak to me privately and thanked me for yelling at him this week. He said that he hoped I was able to express what I was feeling and holding inside me and that it would help me to begin healing. I was shocked. I thanked him for standing there and taking it from me, that I had said to my mother that very day that I don't think I would have stood there while someone yelled at me that way, but he did.

He also expressed concern for the way his mother treated me and that he would make it stop. I told him he had enough on his plate to deal with without having to sort out my relationship with his mother. She puts him through too much for him to take on that burden.

My heart feels lighter tonight. I stood up to my sister this week. Not with the class and grace I wish I had, but I stood up to her nonetheless. My nephew showed concern for my healing. I had a chance to let him know that I still loved him and that we believe in a God of second chances and to take his second chance and use it to become the great man we all believe he can be. I hope he heard me.