Wednesday, July 21, 2010

All In

This past Spring I had the honour of studying Beth Moore's The Inheritance along with several of my Christian sisters. Each Wednesday morning we would gather together to watch the next DVD in the series and have our lives rocked.

Beth has a way of doing that...rocking lives.

Actually, God has a way of rocking lives through Beth, but isn't she a wonderful instrument? This study wrapped up several weeks ago and I'm still processing all that she taught.

Beth started out by asking the question "Do you believe God to be a giver or a taker?"

I remember how my heart started pounding, and how my eyes started burning as I tried to hold back my tears. Around me I could hear my sisters whispering "giver...giver.."

I knew how I would answer that question.

I thought of Him as a taker.

I have lived through some pretty devastating circumstances in my life. Some of which are so horrific that I simply cannot share them with you.

I know what pain feels like. I know hurt. I know loss.

I've felt so disconnected from God for some time now. I've shared here that my faith took a huge beating last year when Ian was laid off and how we struggled financially. It was like the final thing that broke me. I've shared with you how I almost let go of my relationship with Him.

Almost.

But not entirely. I have felt God's presence in my life many times. I've heard Him speak into my heart in ways that I knew without a doubt that it was Him speaking. I know He is real and I believe the Bible to be God-breathed. I had to choose to hold on, that His promises were true, and that He had a plan for me....even when I didn't see how He possibly could.

It's been a long, long road trying to get back to where I felt our relationship was. I don't hear Him talking to me. I don't feel Him near me. It's so hard to live like this.

It struck me during this study, as we pondered the question as to whether we viewed God as a giver or taker, that my view of Him as a taker has held me back from going all in.

All in?

What would that even look like for me? To give God complete control of my life and to not take it back. Just say "Whatever Lord!" and be thankful for His will in my life.

I don't know what it would look like. But I'll tell you what it would feel like. It would scare me to death.

I am terrified of what God will take from me to show His glory.

Who He may take from me to show His glory.

I don't have any strength left in me for more hurt or loss. None.

I don't know how to get Him from my head to my heart.

I feel like my life - my family's life - is on the threshold of major change, and I don't like it. I don't like feeling anxious or uncertain, yet that is exactly how I am feeling. I know what I want, what my my heart longs for, but I don't know if they are things that are in line with His will.

Maybe they are, maybe they aren't. I wish I knew.

I just feel so unsettled. So unlike me.

I don't know where you stand when it comes to spiritual attack, or if you believe in such a thing. I sure do. And I'm under heavy attack these days. Satan is hard at work tormenting me. Whispering at me as I go about my day. Tormenting me in my dreams with all of my hurts and fears.

I am scared to death to click the publish button and expose myself like this. Scared that you will think I'm a fraud.

Maybe you won't. Maybe you'll pray for me.

I so need your prayers right now.

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15 comments:

  1. I'm praying for you!!! I'm so sorry you are enduring these attacks! They are awful and weigh so heavy on our hearts! I'll pray you can find a safe haven in our Savior where you can cast these cares and find rest in Him! I mean this so sincerely! Paul Tripp says, "The same sovereign God who planned the details of your life, sent His Son so you would have what you need to face what He willed for you."
    We're studying John Piper's book, When I Don't Desire God. Here's a link to give it a read: http://www.desiringgod.org/media/pdf/books_bwdd/bwdd_all.pdf
    Sorry for the long post...can only say love and hugs with words! :)

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  2. Oh yeah, you'll be in my prayers. There is nothing wrong with being transparent. In fact, there is a lot of good in being transparent. Every one has fears my friend, and doubts and worries. The enemy is a thief and he is trying to steal your confidence, your joy, your security, and anything else that makes you feel sane.

    I was going to recommend a book, but even as I sit here I'm reminded that the Bible is the authority on everything. May I suggest looking up verses on fear, heartache, depression, etc. and memorizing them. The best weapon against the enemy is God's word.

    BTW if you don't know where to look them up, google is always helpful. There's also Biblegateway, which my husband uses a alot.

    Praying for your strength, your family, your faith, your joy, your fears, and everything else in between.

    Love ya!

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  3. Oh, Kate. I don't have wise words or inspiring things to say...what I have to say is this...YOU are fabulous and awesome and I love ya. I'm sorry that you are struggling...please know that if you ever need to talk, I'm right here.

    Honest...I may not be the most eloquent speaker, but I think I'm a pretty darn good listener.

    ((((((YOU))))))

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  4. Kate...I so hear you...I so appreciate your honesty. Someone once said to me..."why are you so fearful to relinquish the control that your don't really have in the first place????"

    Our illusion of "Control" is just that...and illusion.

    I know you probably know all the right answers...even the verses...I would only say this..

    Cry out to Him...He knows you even better than you know yourself..He has YOUR best interest at heart...His plans are GOOD...so good..and He know this fear and understands everything you've ever been through. EVERY.HORRIFIC.DETAIL.
    And oh how He LOVES you.

    I will be lifting you to Him in prayer as I go to sleep tonight.

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  5. When I go through stages of uncertainty and feeling far away from God, I have this thing I do...It's going to seem like a terrible thing when you first read it but it helps me a lot. It's sort of like the idea of "fake it till you make it." I dive into God's word further, I surround myself with Christian friends, I listen to praise and worship on Pandora and just flood myself with all positive things. It helps so much. It's so hard when you desperately want to be close to God, but you just aren't feeling that presence much. I've been there. I will pray for you!

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  6. I'm with Mama M. Kate. I don't have the inspirational things to say to you at my disposal, but I can promise you that I would NEVER see a post like this and think of you as a fraud and I KNOW what you mean - about EVERYTHING. I could have written this post myself. I also know that I am always here for you and as much or as little as you want to say, I'm here for you. I'm so sorry you're struggling. I've been there - I'm OFTEN there - and I know how awful it feels. You are so strong. You will get through it and you will be stronger still for having done it. You're in my prayers 100% Kate from Canada, and in my heart just as much.

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  7. "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

    I hear where you are- and while circumstances can be different, the end result can be the same. Trust. Trust Him to see you through. Spiritual warfare is hard, and its brutal. No one can see the wounds, and its something- outside of prayer- that no one here on Earth can help us with.

    Thanks for putting yourself "out there" Kate. Really...kind of makes the rest of us feel less alone in our struggles- and that's half the reason for blogging, right?

    I'm going to log out now and spend some time with God- talking about me, talking about my family, and talking about you. :)

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  8. definitely praying! you are not alone. we all have our struggles. hang in there, sweet sister.

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  9. Praying for you...your honesty really touched me!

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  10. aww Kate! I am SOO sooo sorry you are going through all of this! Just remember God will never give you more than you can handle.. and he takes us through the deepest of valleys to lift us up to the peaks of the mountain tops. I also know that all of that is hard to hear and even believe when we happen to be in a low moment. It is so much easier to speak it than believe it.. trust me I know!! Just try to lean on him.. he will pull you through this and give you a peace and understanding like only he can. I love you girl and I am lifting you and your family up in my prayers daily! Many hugs to you!! (((Kate)))

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  11. I'm so sorry that I'm just seeing this today. To say I have been less then stellar at keeping up on my blog family would be an understatement.
    After reading this post I am in tears at my desk. I'm here, this is me. I'm sure the details of our lives our different but I feel very similar to you. I feel like the circumstancesof the past have caused me to miss God. I know this feeling and I hate it. I can say with my mouth that I don't want to be in control, but I can't let go.
    I will pray Kate. I will lift you up and pray that you feel Him give you his love. That you hear Him whispering in your ear. And by praying I hope that I am able to bolster my own faith.
    I love you Kate, thank you for your friendship and for sharing all of you. I feel honored.
    (((((YOU)))))

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  12. U Know7:53 PM

    WOW! And that is literally all I can say. Except that I am so impressed and proud of you for being willing to take an honest and intimate look inward and upward.

    Love you SO much!
    Love, me

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  13. Oh, I wish I could join your group & give you hugs!! I saw this on a t-shirt a few years ago & say it to myself all the time: "Relax. God is in contro." It's not easy to do.

    I also saw a special once about healthy, old people and what their secrets were. One old, old man said he didn't worry about anything. He gave it all to God to worry about. Period.

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  14. Oh, I wish I could join your group & give you hugs!! I saw this on a t-shirt a few years ago & say it to myself all the time: "Relax. God is in contro." It's not easy to do.

    I also saw a special once about healthy, old people and what their secrets were. One old, old man said he didn't worry about anything. He gave it all to God to worry about. Period.

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  15. I'm praying for you!!! I'm so sorry you are enduring these attacks! They are awful and weigh so heavy on our hearts! I'll pray you can find a safe haven in our Savior where you can cast these cares and find rest in Him! I mean this so sincerely! Paul Tripp says, "The same sovereign God who planned the details of your life, sent His Son so you would have what you need to face what He willed for you."
    We're studying John Piper's book, When I Don't Desire God. Here's a link to give it a read: http://www.desiringgod.org/media/pdf/books_bwdd/bwdd_all.pdf
    Sorry for the long post...can only say love and hugs with words! :)

    ReplyDelete