Well Now.

Hey.


Gosh... it's been a very, very long time since I've written in this space. Life felt so heavy that I just didn't feel like I had anything fun or positive to share.


So... what's different from October 2014, you may (or not!) wonder?


My job changed.... I was the credit and collections manager for a transport company and as you may recall, very stressed out. I had become physically sick from the stress, my hair was falling out and my stomach hurt all the time.


My boss left in January 2015 and a new guy came in. He seemed really nice at first, then he showed his true colours and brought a whole new level of expectation and stress. More reporting, learning, overtime, pressure.


My previous boss that had left in January came back for me in June and I left the transport company to join him at his company in North York. My commute was an average of 3 hours a day. Brutal. I was there for six months, then left to come home. Because....


Ian started his new job in December of 2015!!


What an answer to prayer!! Five long years. Looking back, I don't know how we made it. We almost didn't.


He's where he wants to be, and I am home where I want to be, and the world feels right again. I'll need to work some temp assignments every now and then as needed, but for the most part I will be a stay at home mom.


I love driving my teens to their schools, and then packing lunches and walking my littles to their bus. My days are filled with laundry and housework and visits with my mom or friends and errands.... Simple and quiet days.


The kids are doing so well.


Sam is in grade 11 and is in the top of his media arts program at the school he attends. He has a lovely girlfriend that he spends a lot of time with. She is very much like Sam and they get along very well. Hard to believe he will be 17 this summer.


Julie started high school this past fall and has settled right in. She doesn't love it, but she doesn't hate it either. Her grades are insanely good and we are so proud of her. Crazy smart in French and Science and Math.... She's so lovely, inside and out. Last month she turned 15.


Jordan is in grade 2 and doing so well. She reads at a grade 3 level, possibly higher. She won an award for consistently demonstrating the February virtue of respect. So, so proud of her. She turned 8 last month and will have her friend party this coming Sunday at the movie theatre to watch The Jungle Book.


Mattie started Junior Kindergarten this year and had a bit of a rough start. I was getting calls at work several times a week about him. The first call being on his first day, when they told me they lost him. Such drama! He was getting into trouble every day until finally they tested him. He's reading at a grade 2 level, and his math skills fall between first and second grade. He was bored! His teacher sends home grade 2 work and we work on it together. He also won the award for consistently demonstrating respect in February. He will be 5 in June.


We have left our church and we're in limbo right now. We were deeply hurt and betrayed by our previous pastor and his family, people we thought were friends. The whole situation was poorly handled by our church leadership and in order to protect ourselves from further hurt, we left. Jules and I attended a church a little further away for about five months but stopped going. Must get back on track with that.


Life is full and noisy, joyful and messy. But I feel grateful. As always, I am waiting for the other shoe to drop... I read something once that said we are either entering a storm, in the middle of a storm or coming out of a storm... I'd like to just be "storm free" for awhile!


I'm not sure when I'll be back... my blogging muscles are weak and I don't know if blogging is even a thing anymore. I guess I'll just see how I feel.


That's it for today...


~Kate

Thanksgiving & Stuff

Things at the office were very stressful this past week. I can't go into specifics, but each day had new difficulties and stresses and by the time Friday rolled around I was d-o-n-e.  I've never lost my temper at the office, but I felt like I was close to it. I am overwhelmed with my workload and responsibilities and I don't know how much longer I can keep it up. I really want to do a good job but I'm running down.
So many tears on Friday night.
I have to have a difficult - but necessary - conversation with my boss this week but I feel so emotional about it.


Ian, Sam and Jules went to youth group on Friday night and I hung out with Jordan and Mattie. I wanted to do something fun with them but my spirits were just so beaten down.
Precious time lost.


This weekend was Thanksgiving here in Canada. I love Thanksgiving like you wouldn't believe.
Saturday we went up north to have dinner with Ian's parents and yesterday I cooked dinner at my mom's.
Today we just hung around in our pjs feeling fat.
I slept in, then had a nap. Now 3/4 of the kids are in bed, and I'm watching The Blacklist.


Yesterday I went to Weight Watchers to weigh in and I've lost another 2.5 lbs. That's 44.2 overall. My coworkers have noticed my weight loss and have been very complimentary and encouraging.
It's weird... I've been bummed that no one has noticed, but now that they have I feel... self conscious. I don't want people to be watching me, you know?
It's easy to feel overwhelmed by how far I still have to go so I set small goals to keep myself motivated. My next goal is to reach 50 lbs. I think once I get there, I'll start to feel as though I've really done something, you know?
But... I thought I'd feel that way at 40 lbs. And at 30.. Still, 50 would be a big deal.


Ok. I need to start winding down for the night. Hopefully this week will be easier than last. And it's a short week, so that's even better.


Goodnight :-)

Random Ramblings

At this very moment I am so hungry that I could eat my own arm.
I can't think of anything that sounds good enough to eat so I'm sitting here, slowly starving to death.


I skipped dinner because I worked late for the third night in a row and now my stomach is growling like crazy. I think it's going to be a cereal-for-dinner kind of night.


This week is passing in a blur. Full days, long hours, and so many decisions. My brain is so tired.  


I think Jordan and Matthew are getting sick and I'm trying not to freak out about that wicked virus that is all over the news. Ian does a magic show once a month for the pediatric unit at the hospital and today they told him not to come, they were full-on lockdown with that virus.


Earlier tonight,  Jordan's little body was very hot one moment and then chilly the next, and her eyes looked so heavy. Mattie's face was very flushed, his body was warm and he was super cranky. I put them both in the bath to freshen them up and cool off, and then dressed them in fresh jammies and tucked them in to bed.


I really hope there isn't any barf in my future. I can handle a lot of things in this world, but barf is just too much. TOO MUCH.


I went out for my walk on my lunch break and some stranger danger dude was hanging out his car window smiling at waving at me. Freak. But seriously, it made my day. I can't tell you the last time that happened to me... has it ever??


I don't even know.


I promptly texted Ian, my mom, and two of my best friends to let them know what happened and that I am hot now. Ha.


Oh my. You know what I want for dinner?? Twenty-six sausage and egg mcmuffins. And a glass of milk, please.


As if.


I wish I didn't think about eating all the time. I love eating. Which is why I am now in Weight Watchers. Which I don't want to talk about. So stop asking.


So  the new season of The Blacklist started last night. WOOT. I love me some James Spader. And Nashville starts tonight.


I've been watching Utopia and Finding Carter lately. Don't judge. I was in withdrawal and that's what Hulu had going on.


So hungry...


My neighbours are having an argument right now. Lots of f-bombs. How thoughtful of them to have their fight outside where nosy people like Yours Truly can hear it. Lots and lots of f-bombs...


Ok, I can't take it anymore... I need to make something for dinner before I die.

Saturday

I love Saturdays.


This morning I drove Sam to school for his business program that runs from 9-12. I was surprised that he had to go today since he went last weekend. Turns out it runs every Saturday until the end of the school year.


WHAT!?


He said he told us that already but I guess I wasn't listening. I dropped him off and then headed over to my mom's to visit. Poor woman... I talked her ears off. She always knows just what to say and I left feeling much better.


I napped after lunch. It wasn't entirely intentional.... I was thinking about calling a friend to see if she felt like joining me for a hike at the conservation area nearby and I guess I took too long thinking about it because....zzzz...zzz...


Today is Ian and my 20 year engage-a-versary so we went to see The Maze Runner at the theatre. It was good but the ending was not what I expected. Apparently everyone in the world knows this is a book series. Honestly. Now I'm invested and I have to find out what happens.


We picked up pizza on our way home, watched part of Chicken Little, and now my littles are in the bath. Quiet time is on the horizon.


Tomorrow is my weigh-in at Weight Watchers and I'm really hoping I've lost 2 lbs. That's the number I'm looking for because it will put me in new territory weight-wise. I don't feel any different though so I don't know if I did it or not. My home scale's batteries died so I have no idea what I am today. I weigh myself every morning, which is kind of obsessive, but it keeps me on track. I just keep forgetting to change them.


I've recently discovered this new thing called bible journaling. Have you heard about it? It's a special kind of bible with a 2 inch margin and thicker paper, and you can doodle and write stuff and decorate the page. Some of the pictures on instagram are absolutely gorgeous. I write in my bible a lot but there isn't a lot of space so this would be perfect. I've been very blunt around here and said this is what I would like should anyone be thinking about Christmas already... If you want to see what I'm talking about, go to instagram and search the hashtag #journalingbible. Love, love, love.


Ok. I need to mop up bath water and get these little guys to bed.


xoxo

Friday

I kind of wish I was a drinker because tonight would be a great night to open a bottle of wine and stick a straw in it.


What a week.


  I was short staffed so my days were exceptionally busy. I had to stay late almost every night to try to catch up on my workload somewhat. Which meant that two nights I served dinner at bedtime.


I'm trying to decide if I should go in to the office for a few hours tomorrow morning. I have so much work to do and It's absolutely overwhelming.


Lots of crappy-mom stuff this week too. I disappointed Julie by saying no to a school trip to Washington. I was short tempered and distracted a lot. My littles didn't get to linger and play in the bath like they like to. Songs and prayers at bedtime were rushed because I just wanted all the things of the day to be over with so I could be alone.


There is a heaviness in my spirit today. I kept putting my head down on my desk and praying but the fear and anxiety wouldn't go away. My heart feels exhausted. I have so many things on my mind and I just can't quiet my brain.


Ah well, tomorrow is a new day. It will be better.


My littles are now tucked in bed, with extra songs and giggles and hugs and kisses, trying to make up for this week. The house is quiet now,and I can feel myself starting to slow down a bit. Soon, Ian and the big kids will be home from youth group.


I'm hungry because Mattie fed my dinner to the dog while I was in the bathroom.


Tomorrow I will visit my mama. She makes everything feel better. Or manageable at least. Do we ever stop needing our mothers?? I don't think so.


Ian did the new iOs8 upgrade thing today and lost everything on his ipad. I'm scared to upgrade. I held off on the iOs7 upgrade until the very last possible second because I hate change. I can be very patient when I need to be. My phone is up for renewal in April which is very exciting to me because I smashed my iPhone screen again. I'm not interested in the iPhone 6 whatever, another 4S will be fine.


Alright.


That's all I've got.


Over and out.

Update

I've started writing this post a dozen times and just keep deleting it. I've forgotten how to blog it seems.

Do people still blog? Is it still a thing?? I don't read blogs anymore so I really don't know.
Dang you google reader for breaking up with the blog world. Now I don't know what is happening out there on the internets.

Look at those pics on the left. They don't even look like that anymore!

Sam is 15 and in grade 10. In addition to a full course load he is now a part of a business program he was accepted into at the end of grade 9. He's taller than me now! Most days the only time I get to see him is in the morning when I drive him to school.


Julie is 13 and in grade 8. She's so beautiful that it makes me worry! The boys are coming around and I don't like it at all. She's so sweet and loving, encouraging and helpful. She still likes to be around me! Ha! She's walking to school this year and it's all I can do not to make her text me at every corner. I'm a very nervous mother you know. Everyone is a potential kidnapper. . She's crazy smart too, and compassionate and so artistic.

Jordan is 6 and in grade 1. That's "real school" you know, not like baby kindergarten. (her words, not mine) She has been sneaking into my bed most nights and she's so dang cuddly that I have a hard time sending her back to her own bed. She can read so well now which amazes me, because one day she couldn't read, then the next day she could. I could never teach someone else to read. I have a hard enough time trying to teach them to piddle in the toilet and not in a diaper.

Speaking of diapers, Mattie is now 3 years old and flat out refuses to use the toilet. Honest to pete, either I have the hardest kids to train or I just suck at potty training. Whatever man. We have one more year to figure it out. He's finally starting to talk and much to my delight he's very polite. Even when he's cross he'll still say please and thank you. I'm worried about his speech but Ian reminds me that all our kids spoke late and now you can't shut them up.

And me? I'm in a rough spot these days. I know I'm depressed. I've tried to hold it off but it's taken root and everything is an effort. I don't do the things I enjoy anymore (sewing, baking, blogging). I'm not spending time in the word as I should. I've been so deeply hurt by the previous leadership at our church that I'm finding it so difficult to return. Even though these people are no longer a part of our church, it's still hard. Work is overwhelming, then I come home and need to make dinner and do baths and bedtimes. By the time I get to bed I'm exhausted from just doing the next thing. Then the nightmares start. I'm a hot mess, y'all.

In the midst of this difficult and heartbreaking season, there are blessings. My children are healthy. I am married to a man who loves me so much. I am still blessed to have my mother and the close relationship we share. I have a job that is absolutely off the charts nuts but provides great entertainment. I have an abundance of friends.

I've stuck with Weight Watchers all summer and I've lost 41.7 lbs. I'm pretty proud of that. Last month we were away on vacation and I was running and playing with the kids on the beach. Jordan told me she didn't know I could run. It's so much more fun to be a participant instead of just an observer. I still have a long way to go, but this is a good start.

Alright I need to wrap this up. I've been absolutely exhausted lately and it needs to be an early-ish night.

I'll be back.

This-n-That

I am SO THRILLED that the clock has sprung forward. More daylight = a very happy Kate. Matthew doesn't seem to even notice that things are different - he just goes to bed when you tell him it's time. Even Jordan will still crash occasionally and it seems that this time change has been seamless.


It's Spring break this week and Sam & Julie are enjoying the much slower pace of things. Jordan is missing her friends a bit but always prefers to be wherever her big sister and brother are. I had booked today as a vacation day, but after a very difficult week at work last week, I decided to take Mon-Wed and trying to use that time to get my head together.


I'm currently drinking the worst cup of tea ever. I don't know why it is so challenging for me to make a decent cup of tea! It's water, a bag and some milk, not rocket science.


So, tonight was my first weigh-in at Weight Watchers and I was floored to learn I'd lost 6.8 lbs this week. I kind of scared the lady weighing me with my "SHUT UP WHAT!?"


Bless it.


I'll be honest with you... the first two days? I thought I was dying. Slowly dying to death from starvation. And diet pepsi withdrawal because I gave that up for Lent. But I managed to sort out this point counting business and successfully navigated a dinner out with friends on Saturday night.
Anyway, like I said last week, I don't want to talk about this Weight Watchers stuff. Except when I do.


Ian and I went out on a double date on Saturday night. We went to dinner first and then went bowling. BOWLING!! It was so much fun. Oh my gosh we laughed so much. I completely forgot every single stress in my life and just got caught up in the fun. I can't tell you how good that felt, or how badly I needed that.


On Sunday afternoon, Ian and I took the girls up to Orangeville to a fabric store I like. I've got the urge to sew again but I've misplaced my tote with all my supplies and fabric from our move. Yes, the move was almost 2 years ago... that tells you how long it's been since Sassy Susie and I whipped something up.  Ian assures me it's somewhere in the house or garage, we just don't know where it is yet.


I bought a metre of flannel with cute monsters on it to make pj pants for Mattie. Just typing that out makes me shake my head... monsters?? You have to see them... they're really cute. It was 50% off so it only cost me $4.50. As I was walking around I saw a beautiful pastel pink eyelet... so I bought a metre of that for $5.00. No idea what I will ever make with it but it's so pretty.


Today Ian took my car in for servicing. I really only wanted an oil change, emissions test and the clanking under the hood to be taken care of. One full day and they've replaced the brakes, fixed some things around the exhaust and replaced my two wiper blades.


HELLO. Oil change. Emissions test. Clanking under the hood.


Apparently both front and rear brakes were completely stripped, with the front brakes ready to go any time. Wow. We have to take it back on Wednesday to get the oil changed and the emissions test done, and I will need to find a buyer for my first born child in order to pay the bill.


As I sit here chatting with you and sipping my awful cup of tea, I have my bedroom window open and can smell the freshest breeze. I'm loving it. I'll sleep well tonight hopefully. Not like last night. For some dumb reason I decided to watch The Butterfly Effect right before bed and had nightmares all night long. Mercy.


Alright, that's a wrap.