Wednesday, February 06, 2008


I had such a heartbreaking conversation with Julie the other night. She told me that she was kind of excited about Jordan coming but mostly not. She said she was afraid that I wouldn't love her anymore now that I would have a new little girl. In her almost-seven-year-old way she was questioning her place in our family.

Seeing her big, beautiful blue eyes so full of tears made me want to cry too. It's been such a hard year for her, she has been through so much, and now she is getting ready for the new baby. I tried to explain to her how love grows with each child and that I will always love her "all the way to Heaven and back", that she is so special. I have always told her that she was the little girl I would dream about, and it was like God reached into my dreams and pulled her out to give to me for real. I mean it.

So we've decided to have at least one Girl's Day a month, just the two of us. Be it a movie or lunch together or just browse through the bookstore, it's going to be a firm date together. "No Jordan?" she asked. "No Jordan," I promised.

I feel sad when I think of the adjustment they have coming. Right now things are so easy with the four of us. Jordan is going to really throw us off our game! I pray that I will have patience with all three of my children and that I will make time for each of them so they will always feel special and important.

I just don't know how to better prepare her for this. I can reassure her of my love for her until the cows come home but she isn't going to believe me until she sees it.

I was the one who pushed for another child. For six years I pushed and pushed. The kids wanted to stay the way we are. I feel so selfish these days, and sad when I hear their fears and concerns. I know that in no time at all they will forget what life was like before Jordan came, but right now they are so full of emotion. I only have one sister and we haven't spoken since Christmas day 2006 and as I've already mentioned, doesn't know I am pregnant. I have long wished I had one other sibling so that I wouldn't feel so alone. I want them to have siblings, to have one another to help them through life when Ian and I are gone.

I've been asking friends with 3 or more children how they prepared each for new arrivals but their circumstances are so different. Their children are all so close in age so it wasn't an issue with them. I'm at a loss as to how to better encourage them or reassure them that everything is going to be great.

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